You Might Be A Fundy If Page 1!!

• These saying were in a way inspired by Jeff Foxworthy's You Might Be A Redneck If series, this is a collection of the sayings from our Ex-Chrisitan List, and is rather long, but worth the read gentle reader!!! Should you have any sayings you would like to add the here just send them to here: webmaster@squirrelsisland.com. All that I ask is that they be original, if they are a copy of whatever is here already, I will not add them, sorry. The link for the next page is right here!!!!

You ever attempted to spread the Gospel through a dangerous stunt involving a rooftop, stadium, or water tower.

You felt the need to repent after reading and enjoying Bridget Jones’ Diary.

Your determination to stamp out harmful influences on children means you get to watch ten times the cartoons they do.

You read a secular novel and wondered why the characters didn’t go to church.

The one (heavily-edited) secular CD in your teens’ collection is there as a result of your temporary "permissiveness."

You believe that gold rings are more effective birth control than condoms.

You believe William Schnoebelen’s testimony and consider him an expert on Wicca.

You think that practicing Witches whose beliefs/practices differ from the ones "ex-Witches" describe are liars.

You have ever told an atheist she’s "thinking herself into hell".

You think John Paulk’s an expert on homosexuality. (Bonus points if you believe he was only in Mr. P’s to use the bathroom!)

You think that gays, lesbians, and bisexuals are lying when they say something good about their community, and use them as sources when they say something bad.

You pay extra money to access way fewer channels or websites than normal.

You were shocked when Left Behind: The Kids gave your ten-year-old son nightmares……and immediately took him to see a pastor.

You’ve burned or otherwise destroyed thousands of dollars’ worth of possessions in order to get right with Jesus.

You worry that fashionable clothing makes you look too "worldly". (Bonus points if you’re under 25!)

You didn’t see what the big deal about Bob Jones University’s rules was.

You refuse to support your home team because their name incorporates the word "devils."

You believe that someone could get saved in a public bathroom.

You feel guilty for looking at the Victoria’s Secret catalog, even though you’re a woman.

Your daughter wins a scholarship to a prestigious college, and your first thought is that she’ll become a promiscuous, alcoholic, pot-smoking, atheist, Goddess-worshipping, lesbian Democrat by Thanksgiving.

You don’t understand the previous joke because you think Liberty and Regent Universities are "prestigious colleges."

Your cubicle is so plastered with "inspirational" slogans, you can’t see the cloth it’s made from.

You don’t understand that the right to have religious decorations and wear religious jewelry also applies to your Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and Pagan co-workers.

You ever threw out one of your children's books because it had the phrase "millions of years" in it.

You ever got into an argument with another xian who sent their dauaghter to Wheaton College because it was too liberal.

You were hoping that Y2K would wipe out the godless heathens.

You thought Pat Buchanan wouldn't be a good choice for President, because he was Roman Catholic.

You ever stopped thinking logically and believed whatever bullshit your pastor told you, and said it came from god or the babble.

You stated up front to each one of your boyfriends that you didn't do any more than kiss, period, at the start of every relationship…

You went to countless retreats and youth rallies, and each time felt the need to rededicate yourself to Christ...

You ever listened earnestly to a lecture on what doctrines a church needed to be a true church, and what was a cult...

You were the youngest person in the handbell choir (by 40 years) because you "wanted to be involved in everything"…

You carried your Bible to school every day just so you could read it in front of others and look pious...

You forced yourself to listen to Christian music even though you hated it...

You actually wore a T-shirt with the word LOSER on the front so someone would ask you about the Bible verse on the back...

You ever decided you couldn't date someone because they weren't religious enough...

You put up with tons of annoying teens you REALLY hated just because they were part of your youth group...

Your mother has ever said to you, "Don't worry about money for college, God will send you where He wants you to go," and used it as an excuse for not being financially responsible... You might have been raised by a fundie!

You have a Bible that you only open when the pastor tells you to...

You can name all of the books in the Bible in order, but you've never noticed that Judas dies in two different ways…

You pray to God that no one notices the zit on your forehead...

You think Dr. Laura is a fantastically intelligent woman who will, unfortunately, spend eternity in hell... You've ever let the communion plate pass you by because you "weren't feeling right with God at that moment"...then, man, you are one hell of a fundie.

You think talented and gifted people run the PAX TV network...

You think Ouija boards scream when thrown in fireplaces...

You think "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run" played backwards is: "Here's to my sweet Satan. Whose power is Satan"...

You think "X-mas" takes the Christ out of Christmas...

You think every clear cut scientific and logical impossibility in Christian theology can be dismissed as simply an "in house debate" among Christians...then you are not only a fundie, you are Hank Hanegraaff.

If you have ever sat there with your eyes closed while the pastor is praying and think to yourself, "Am I supposed to repeat what he's saying or am I supposed to pray on my own? I hope there are still some donuts left on the welcome table. Will someone make that stupid baby shut up? I hope we don't have to stand up for the last song. Goddamn, this guy prays for fucking ever!"...then you are a normal person.

You hand out tracts instead of candy on Halloween, and carve crosses on your jack o'lanterns to witness to your neighbors.

You play air guitar to Phil Keaggy and Petra instead of to Nirvana and Led Zeppelin.

You started jogging as a means to "flee youthful lusts."

You've never worn a two-piece swimsuit.

You consistently refer to menstruation as "the curse."

You consistently use the term "submission" to describe a woman's role, and you're not into BDSM.

You consider any sex position other than the missionary to be perverted.

You are unable to say or write the word "sex".

You hand out tracts to cashiers in grocery stores.

You make sure your house/apartment is dead quiet on Sundays .

You don't allow anything to be played in your car except Christian music.

You start looking through your bible for that great verse from Hezekiah.

You say in a public prayer "we just pray that..."

You give a sermon thinly disguised as a prayer.

You tell in a prefix to a prayer what God, despite being omniscient, he doesn't already know, and despite being omnipotent, can't tell anyone else.

You publicly minister to someone who clearly doesn't want it "because God says".

You prefix "Thus saith the Lord" to your opinion.

You pick up rattlesnakes because it says you can in Mark 16 (but you won't be for long, fortunately).

You exorcise "spirits of loneliness" from someone you won't give 5 minutes of friendship to.

Your idea of showing "hospitality to strangers" only extends to young and attractive opposite-sexed strangers.(Or same-sexed, if you’re an ex-gay fundie!)

You think you acquired the fire.

You think you can gain a passion for jesus by attending a conference and lose the fire by masturbating

You gauged how much a youth group or church was obeying god by how many people were there.

You cried or got depressed when you heard your favorite pastor was leaving.

You spend a tithe of your time at church (17 or so hours). *sigh*

If you thought your problems would get better if you were just prayed for by the evangelist, you might be a fundicostal.

You thought nothing of bringing your friend to a four-hour tent revival meeting and thought this would get them to give their heart to jesus.

You can justify a personal relationship with a dead criminal.

You struggle to have the mind of christ because your mind thinks it is so absurd.

You think that if you just worship more, your doubts will go away.

You felt your spirituality rise the first time you spoke in tongues.

You think hypnotism is a way that devils enter your body. *irony alert*

You pray for god's guidance while buying vegetables.

Your Sunday morning worship service includes running more than a mile around the inside of the sanctuary.

The phrase 'Peter, Paul and Mary' makes you think of a bible reference.

When approached by a reporter with a microphone, you see it as primarily a witnessing opportunity.

You've ever referred to Wicca and Paganism as "the other side,"

You bow your head for 10-15 seconds over a Taco Bell Enchirito before eating it.

You've ever washed someone's feet and had them wash yours back.

Your face blanches and you get heart palpitations at any of the following: "Pokemon," "Role Playing," "The Occult," "Secular Humanism," or "witchcraft."

The first words out of your mouth in the morning are "Good Morning God" instead of "Good God, Morning".

You bind the spirit of "assholiness" to the driver in front of you.

When you go to bed at night you pray that if you die, Jesus take you to heaven.

The thought of women in pants scares you.

You view catholics as demon possessed false xtians.

You tell people with pride, "I can't remember a day in my life without Jesus in it".

Your coffee table books are authored by King James, Dakes, or Strongs.

I love punishment!! Take me to the next page!!!