Of Potatoes and Reality

  • The other night I was sitting in the toilet, relaxing and doing the number two, when I felt the energy that is in all flux and waiver. This energy flows through all things and the toilet started to disrupt my energy flow, causing me to not be able to finish my business there. This was frustrating to say the least. As I felt the energies rise and fall, noting that all existence is life and energy, I noticed a small movement out the of the corner of my eye…I looked over to my left, and there as plain as day was JESUS!!!!!!! Standing in my bathtub!! What the hell!! He was standing there in his robes and all that, the crown of thorns was gone, and as was his wounds from the little thing with the cross he had.

    Jesus was standing there in my bathtub, holding in his left hand a carrot, and in his right hand a baked potato with cheese and chives. God damn I thought, this is all I need today!! The lord of the universe in my bathtub with vegetables and a pissed off look in his eyes. Man, I am sitting here taking a dump, feeling the energies flux, constipation from the energies angering me, as I cannot get it out, my bowels starting to hurt inside, I hate that! Fucking Jesus Christ is making me unable to shit! What is with this guy?? I look over to the lord and all that and wonder what he wants, and what he is doing here, but do I ask him or not? Hmmm what should I do about this predicament? Grunting I push once more closing my eyes hoping that the lord would just go away, and I could shit in peace, but noooo no noooooo he is still there, and I cannot get it out. Bastard. So I look over, thinking okay, okay, well it is Jesus, he has been awful quiet to this point, maybe he does not really know you are there taking a shit, but wait, if he is god, then he is all knowing. Fucks that little thought all up huh? Well no use in putting it off any longer, so I look over to Jesus, and say good afternoon….

  • Well, I thought,he is being just plain out rude. I say good afternoon to him, and he just looks at me pissed like, god or not that is rude! What a dick! Jesus is still looking at me all silent like. All I want to do is shit, and get on with my day. I am wondering about the carrot, and the potato, and then it hits me!!! They are metaphors!!! YES!! I look over to Jesus and ask does the carrot and potato mean that religion is for vegetables? And in order to believe in you, one must become stupid like that? No answer… nothing, just that stupid pissed look. Getting a little miffed, I tell Jesus about little Bobby Hatwick, who wanted to kick his ass real bad. And how I was on Jesus´ side in telling little Bobby that if Jesus made it through that nasty cross bit, then he is one bad mother fucker, and that I would not want to mess with Jesus. Bobby thought about it then. And did Jesus appreciate that?? Hell no! He just kept on looking at me all stupid like. This had gone on long enough, I told Jesus to answer my prayer, and let me shot finally… well this had a small effect because then Jesus like blinked at me, thought a moment, and then in a deep booming god voice asked me the following question: "Do you have any gray pou pon?" Then the bathroom was filled with millions of butterflies. Next thing I know I am sitting on the toilet in the line to get into to heaven. There is a sign up front that says you must be this tall to enter heaven, the sign has a line at about the five foot ten line. Well that is funny I say to myself. Not even noticing that I am still on the crapper with my pants around my ankles. The little kid in front of me is telling this weird looking woman with a fork sticking out of her neck about this priest that killed him as was reading the lords prayer out loud while the priest touched his willy with a candle.. Damn…. And I thought I had problems.

    The line moves ever so slowly and then I get to the end of the line, and see that Brittany Spears is actually the Gatekeeper in heaven! What the fuck! I guess god got her ass for the boob job she did after she turned 18 huh? Well anyway, she is "oops I did a sin" song at the gate, as I approach her she waves all bubbly like, and asks for the password. Of shit I think, password? I thought that heaven would be a little different than this. I think for a second, and reply nice tits. She smiles and lets me pass. WOW!

    Walking on down that golden road, (I keep thinking Toto will come up and bite me), I notice that the houses in heaven kinda look like Obi Wan Kenobi's hut, and Luke's uncle's farm. What is this? Strange. Very Strange. I also notice there are no angels, or at least the things that look like jawas are not angels. Every few minutes I hear a very soft "utinni" and they scamper away from me. Could this mean? Naw…

    I approach what appears to be the main hall in heaven, and to my utter shock it looks EXACTLY like Jabba the Hut's sail barge!! MY fears are almost confirmed! I walk up to the palace/barge thing, and enter through the main hatch. It is bright inside, and there are many people and jawas running about, all talking to themselves in a strange language I do not understand. Sounds like Hebrew and German mixed. Anyway I walk into what appears to be the main throne room, and there it is… my fears, dreams and nightmares confirmed!

    A bang and a flash and I am back in my toilet, Jesus and the butterflies are gone, and I feel my bowels gush like water. Relief at last. Sitting there in utter amazement I wonder about what just happened. Was it real? Did Jesus have need of mustard? Is heaven filled with rejects from the movies and crappy pop stars? Will Heaven sue Disney Land for Magic Mountain? Why did Brittany Spears get a boob job anyway? Why do Germans talk all funny? Was Fred Flintstone in love with Barney Rubble? Would you sleep with Daphne from Scooby Doo also?

    The secret I learned from all this is:

    GEORGE LUCAS IS GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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