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The other night I was sitting in the toilet, relaxing and
doing the number two, when I felt the energy that is in all
flux and waiver. This energy flows through all things and the
toilet started to disrupt my energy flow, causing me to not
be able to finish my business there. This was frustrating to
say the least. As I felt the energies rise and fall, noting
that all existence is life and energy, I noticed a small movement
out the of the corner of my eye…I looked over to my left, and
there as plain as day was JESUS!!!!!!! Standing in my bathtub!!
What the hell!! He was standing there in his robes and all that,
the crown of thorns was gone, and as was his wounds from the
little thing with the cross he had.
Jesus was standing there in my bathtub, holding in his left
hand a carrot, and in his right hand a baked potato with cheese
and chives. God damn I thought, this is all I need today!! The
lord of the universe in my bathtub with vegetables and a pissed
off look in his eyes. Man, I am sitting here taking a dump,
feeling the energies flux, constipation from the energies angering
me, as I cannot get it out, my bowels starting to hurt inside,
I hate that! Fucking Jesus Christ is making me unable to shit!
What is with this guy?? I look over to the lord and all that
and wonder what he wants, and what he is doing here, but do
I ask him or not? Hmmm what should I do about this predicament?
Grunting I push once more closing my eyes hoping that the lord
would just go away, and I could shit in peace, but noooo no
noooooo he is still there, and I cannot get it out. Bastard.
So I look over, thinking okay, okay, well it is Jesus, he has
been awful quiet to this point, maybe he does not really know
you are there taking a shit, but wait, if he is god, then he
is all knowing. Fucks that little thought all up huh? Well no
use in putting it off any longer, so I look over to Jesus, and
say good afternoon….
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Well, I thought,he is being just plain out rude. I say good
afternoon to him, and he just looks at me pissed like, god or
not that is rude! What a dick! Jesus is still looking at me
all silent like. All I want to do is shit, and get on with my
day. I am wondering about the carrot, and the potato, and then
it hits me!!! They are metaphors!!! YES!! I look over to Jesus
and ask does the carrot and potato mean that religion is for
vegetables? And in order to believe in you, one must become
stupid like that? No answer… nothing, just that stupid pissed
look. Getting a little miffed, I tell Jesus about little Bobby
Hatwick, who wanted to kick his ass real bad. And how I was
on Jesus´ side in telling little Bobby that if Jesus made it
through that nasty cross bit, then he is one bad mother fucker,
and that I would not want to mess with Jesus. Bobby thought
about it then. And did Jesus appreciate that?? Hell no! He just
kept on looking at me all stupid like. This had gone on long
enough, I told Jesus to answer my prayer, and let me shot finally…
well this had a small effect because then Jesus like blinked
at me, thought a moment, and then in a deep booming god voice
asked me the following question: "Do you have any gray pou pon?"
Then the bathroom was filled with millions of butterflies. Next
thing I know I am sitting on the toilet in the line to get into
to heaven. There is a sign up front that says you must be this
tall to enter heaven, the sign has a line at about the five
foot ten line. Well that is funny I say to myself. Not even
noticing that I am still on the crapper with my pants around
my ankles. The little kid in front of me is telling this weird
looking woman with a fork sticking out of her neck about this
priest that killed him as was reading the lords prayer out loud
while the priest touched his willy with a candle.. Damn…. And
I thought I had problems.
The line moves ever so slowly and then I get to the end of
the line, and see that Brittany Spears is actually the Gatekeeper
in heaven! What the fuck! I guess god got her ass for the boob
job she did after she turned 18 huh? Well anyway, she is "oops
I did a sin" song at the gate, as I approach her she waves all
bubbly like, and asks for the password. Of shit I think, password?
I thought that heaven would be a little different than this.
I think for a second, and reply nice tits. She smiles and lets
me pass. WOW!
Walking on down that golden road, (I keep thinking Toto will
come up and bite me), I notice that the houses in heaven kinda
look like Obi Wan Kenobi's hut, and Luke's uncle's farm. What
is this? Strange. Very Strange. I also notice there are no angels,
or at least the things that look like jawas are not angels.
Every few minutes I hear a very soft "utinni" and they scamper
away from me. Could this mean? Naw…
I approach what appears to be the main hall in heaven, and
to my utter shock it looks EXACTLY like Jabba the Hut's sail
barge!! MY fears are almost confirmed! I walk up to the palace/barge
thing, and enter through the main hatch. It is bright inside,
and there are many people and jawas running about, all talking
to themselves in a strange language I do not understand. Sounds
like Hebrew and German mixed. Anyway I walk into what appears
to be the main throne room, and there it is… my fears, dreams
and nightmares confirmed!
A bang and a flash and I am back in my toilet, Jesus and the
butterflies are gone, and I feel my bowels gush like water.
Relief at last. Sitting there in utter amazement I wonder about
what just happened. Was it real? Did Jesus have need of mustard?
Is heaven filled with rejects from the movies and crappy pop
stars? Will Heaven sue Disney Land for Magic Mountain? Why did
Brittany Spears get a boob job anyway? Why do Germans talk all
funny? Was Fred Flintstone in love with Barney Rubble? Would
you sleep with Daphne from Scooby Doo also?
The secret I learned from all this is:
GEORGE LUCAS IS GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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