The Gospel Truth part 2
Welcome back to the Island gentle readers, for your pleasure I
have the next True Gospel news for you. This one is rich as well.
It deals with the TRUE events on Palm Sunday.. No is has nothing
to with glory or return or kingship or any of that bible stuff.
The day Jesus rode into Jerusalem on his magical donkey. Oh yes
it was magical, or at least people thought. You see Jesus had been
told about the story of Balaam and his Ass. Jesus thought this was
cool, and wanted to have a talking donkey as well. And since he
had no money at all, he convinced his buddies to steal a donkey.
Normally the traveling preachers looked like homeless bums that
had nothing so, if asked why they were stealing the donkey, Jesus
told them to say that the Lord had need of the animal. Of course
being the forefathers of the televangelists, they were greedy little
bastards, and stole 2 animals. They tried to get a third, but when
they went for it, Judas got kicked in the head, and was of course
knocked silly. The true effects of the donkey kick would not manifest
itself for a few days though……
When they had returned to Jesus with the donkey (they had sold
the other animal to get a few whores, and strangely enough Jesus
had no clue about it either…) Jesus was all happy and giddy… his
own talking donkey!! Jesus began by telling the donkey how cool
it was, and how lucky it was that Jesus was now its master. Hoping
the beast would answer back, because he was sure that this donkey
was magical, he had connections with the big man of course… Of course
the donkey said nothing. Jesus tried again, asking it to say its
name. Nothing. Jesus kept it up all night for a few days or so.
No dice, nothing nada zip. Poor Jesus, he was pissed as you could
imagine. He was going to just kill the poor thing with his magical
god power, like he did the fig tree, but thought different because
he still had this special tingly feeling about his donkey. It WAS
magical damn it.
So to pass the time Jesus did what he did best, and in secret…
no not prayer… masturbation. The celibacy shit was for his followers;
he thought he was in good with god you know, so the rule did not
apply to him. So in a heated session, he had another vision (like
always,) and saw him self riding the donkey into Jerusalem for the
flea market there. And his donkey talked to him and the people!!!
What a wondrous sign from god! He was destined for fame after all!
No more failure boy Jesus the bastard son of a carpenter!! Wooohoooo!!!
So the day arrived, and they loaded up Jesus on the donkey, and
his buddies followed beside him and behind him. Jesus was happy
about the conversations he would have with his donkey, and the people
would hear him and believe it was a miracle, and that he was really
a prophet after all, not just a bitter failure of a carpenter. Riding
into the city smiling broadly, he would lean down to talk to his
donkey, which he named Willie, and ask it if it would talk now.
Nothing yet, but Jesus knew he would… his holy vision said as much.
As they reached the first street corner, he saw a friendly face,
Judas C Wilson, his old carpentry school buddy. Calling out to Judas,
he kicked the donkey over to his friend. Just then Judas turned
as the donkey spoke,
"Hey you wanna ride my ass?"
This of course made Jesus smile real big and he just sat there watching
Judas' face twitch with surprise.
"Well?" Jesus said.
"Well, what Jesus?" Was the reply from Judas C.
"What do you think about it, Judas?" Jesus said still
smiling ear to ear.
"No I do not wanna ride your ass you sick bastard." Was
all he got out of Judas as he stopmed off. Why did he do that? Jesus
thought that once people would see and hear how his donkey talked,
they would admit he was not a failure, and think he really was in
good with god. He was somebody, and not just the bastard carpenter
from the welfare section of Nazareth. Damn them!!
Feeling kinda gloomy, Jesus rode on in silence. Peter was walking
beside him and asked, " Master, what pains you so?"
Jesus was silent for a minute, and then told Peter about what had
happened with Judas C. Peter thought for a second, and said "I
would ride your ass Master, if you so wish it."
Jesus gave him a shy little smile that made Peter brighten up.
All the while Judas Iscariot was watching with a bruised head…..
muttering to himself……..