Ask Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
We at Squirrel´s Island are not responsible for any
anwers Satan should give, as we are not Satan, nor could
we control the Dark Lord.
-
- hi my name is allison
i wanted to ask you how to jerk off a guy and where are
the weaknesses in the penis because my b/f is getting tired
of just fingering me an sloppily eating my breasts i feel
like i owe this to him?
Dear Allison.... slut. I knew I should have never
took you home with me.
- Hey Satan, listen up. I got this cult group of Christians
whose cage I’d like to rattle. I work in a little strip mall
in California. Now, in this center is a sports bar. There
is no established church, to say, in this center. But every
Sunday morning, this sports bar hosts a group of reborn, rock-a-billy
Christians. It’s called Hot Rod Church for sinners. Yeah,
they all think they have hot rods. They’ve got a bunch of
old… Bombs. Mostly old trucks from the 50’s and 60’s. Spray
painted with primer. And they all have rock-a-billy hair cuts,
the preacher has this band, you can hear them through the
walls. And they’re typical Christians, thinking they can do
anything they want. One year, during cinco de mayo, the owner
of the sports bar got drunk, hung over and never came by to
open the place. So what they did, was set up chairs right
out, in front of the store I work, and proceeded with their
Christian rock-a-billy. You couldn't’t get in my place, without
going through them. I complained, but nobody cares about the
opinion of a non-believer. You know how it goes. Anyway I
got a few plans, and one of them involves music and my very
loud car stereo. Do you know of any good, satanic CDs? Where
can I get them? I’am talking about real dark music which praises
You… by name. I really want to fuck with these people. In
many different ways.
MrWitch
Well now Marion... (hell yeah I know your damn name....)
there are many many cd's that praise my holy name. And I could
list them all for you. But I won't. Instead I will give a
few choice cd's to fuck with them back assward sheep that
do not fucking realize that a duck tail went out of style
for a reason... and those t-shirts with the cigs rolled up
in them looks about gay. Not to mention those fucking jeans
and white socks... it is sooooo Pee Wee Herman. For the first
CD you need to out and get yourself Slayer's Reign in Blood.
Some really good me moments on that one. Then anything by
Cradle of Filth is good. Although they do not mention me by
name that many times... the music and mood will piss anyone
not brain damaged off. And Slipknot is a good one to get people
all upset. But the best shit to play is the following: Any
thing by Niel Diamond!! Or the Bee Gee's. There is nothing
more satanic than a jew singing about New York, or the Gibbs
whining about a girl in a disco.. fuck it.... anything by
Abba is good too. But you have to play Abba backwards for
it to really have an effect. I got this on slut to come back
with me after her revival meeting by playing Super Trooper
in reverse, three octaves lower.. her name was Allison, that
bitch was a hottie, but would not put out at all... just wanted
to give a hand job. Damn christian women.
-
Dear Satan,
You know, I sold you my soul for fame and riches beyond
imagination. I wanted to be a pop star, and have everyone
get off on my voice and hot body, as I sung those sexy ass
pop songs that would make teenage girls wet. What gives?
I am a wash up now, and nobody cares about me… what the
fuck? Can you say Breach of Contract???????
Dear David,
Okay ass boy, I told you once, you were famous, get
it? You were famous. For your damn singing (which sucked
out the ass by the way) why is it you stupid white Americans
always wanna be rock stars? Okay I know the knight rider
deal turned sour, but they would not let you sing to Kit,
and there was no way in hell they were going to turn Kit
into some preteen girlie personae so you could try out all
those bitchin lyrics. You got cancelled and wound up doing
stupid dog food commercials, and wait a sec… you got a part
in that one show where you played this cop that sucked.
Oh yeah plus who got that stint in Bay Watch? Tell me David…
I did and you know it. Souls do not go for all that anymore,
but since you sucked so bad after I gave you your wish,
I thought I would swing the Bay Watch thing… everyone knows
some tits will make even the most suckyest actor look good
for a minute or two…can you say You Still Suck Davey Boy??
Dear Satan,
I am a nice girl, and I do not kiss on the first date. Is
this bad? My friend Marion says I should at least kiss on
the first date. Is this an acceptable practice?
Love,
Sally
Dear Sally,
Thanks for the lovely question! To be honest, kissing on
the first date is not all that bad. I remember my first
date; it was with an angel... she was hot. And she did more
than just kiss me.... those seraphim can really su.... um
anyways, the important thing here, is what YOU feel comfortable
with licking anothers tongue. If you think it is wrong to
kiss on the first date, then by all means, do not feel coerced
into it, or feel you have to. If Marion likes to kiss on
the first date, then let her, although I know what she can
do on a first date.... just ask your brother Timmy. Man
o man, I thought I was kinky!! Timmy likes it when Marion
reads the bible to him, and shaves his back at the same
time. Weirdest shit I have seen in a long time, and I slept
with the Muppets baby. Hope this helps you Sally, and remember,
Satan loves you!!!
-
Dear Satan,
Why is it that you are always portrayed as a demon thing
red with horns? And a tail? Why is it that you are always
more fun to hang with than god?
Thanks Bobby.
Well Bobby, thanks for writing in!
To answer your questions, I do not have a tail, no horns,
nor am I red. I am just as white as you are. Yes, I am white.
I do not care what others say, that is my story and I am
sticking to it. The whole red tailed demon thing came about
because of an LSD party I went to in this bitchin disco.
John Travolta was there, and we did the do, plus I was advertising
my newest group find: Neil Diamond. I also let it leak out
that I had my own nether realm, which boasted the coolest
amusement park ever. We are still in court with Disney,
because they ripped me off. I was dressed in drag, and the
lights made it look red and the coat ripped, as I reached
around to grab Cher`s ass (Yes, I am BI). Maybe that is
why I am more fun to hang with than god, I mean my dad is
a tight ass, and gets on the nerves with his whole "I
am sooooo holy" bullshit. It does get old as all hell,
and is not fun after a few million years.
-
Dear Satan:
Why is it that when I masturbate, I hear these voices in
my head telling me to put a vacuum cleaner hose in my ass?
- Willie
Hello Willie
Colonics baby. Next question?
-
Dear Satan:
Hi. My name is Bob. I am an agnostic boy... which means
I don't believe in a god... kinda. Does that mean I will
go to hell? I ask this because I'd rather not ask god..
Since he doesn't exist. I realize this means that you likely
don't exist either; but I thought, hell, why not? right?
Also, are you a male or a female? In this book I have right
here (really really long book) it says you are a male, and
that god is a male, and everyone else is a male. Where are
all the females here? Do you have a girlfriend (likely not
a wife since it wouldn't make sense for you to get married)?
Any personal information would be greatly appreciated...
I'm just curious.
- Bob
Hello Bob,
Right, why not? Since neither of us really exist, you should
not worry in the least bit huh? Although, I do not think
you are going to hell for not believing. Lets be honest,
it is getting way to crowded here in the Nether Realm, and
we are currently looking for new land to expand the Theme
Parks and golf courses. This likely means that you will
not be coming to Hell, but more than likely a suburb of
Hell. If you are lucky you will not have to travel that
long to get to Hell-Oh Land, and have fun after you are
dead and buried. We have a wonderful roller coaster that
God ripped us off for, and we are currently taking his ass
to court. Oh yeah, another thing, God gets the ass when
you think he does not exist. Kinda like the spoiled blond
cheer leader chick that gets a boob job, and no really notices.
Yeppers, just like that actually.
I happen to be a male. And yes God is a guy as well. There
is a long story behind this, and you wanted personal info
didn't you? Okay... you were warned.....
My real name is Kip, my dad is Yhwh, or as you may know
him, God. Jesus is my little retarded brother. Anyways,
I happen to be a bisexual demi god. Dad was okay and cool
about it and all, until I was caught sleeping with the Arc-angel
Michael. Turns out that dad was sleeping with him as well.
Next thing you he hates homosexuals. Go figure. Now, I pretty
much left home then, in part because of the Mike thing and
in part because Jesus was the baby of the family, the little
prick got away with murder. And my grades in school was
suffering. My one short story I wrote did not please dad
at all, since it told the truth about him, and he does not
like to be portrayed as an ass. Well I took it back and
threw it away. Turns out Jesus picks it out of the trash
and uses it as his own, he changed one or two things in
it, like the homosexual issue.... and turned it in. Dad
loved it. Next thing you know, it is the bible. Kill me
please. Just because Jesus is the baby and retarded he gets
it all.... well you know what I mean. So I left left home
and struck out as my own demi god. I founded Hell-O Land,
the supernatural theme part for all eternity, and have been
a very successful business man. People are selling their
souls to get in. During my time at Hell-O Land, Jesus became
to uppity for dad to handle, so he came up with a great
plan, dad wanted to bang this Jewish chick for a long time,
named Mary, so he found the time, and knocked her up. And
got rid of Jesus for a bit as well. Jesus was born to Mary,
and you know how God is.... no matter what he is right,
so he smoothed the whole thing over, because Joseph wanted
to kill her cheatin ass. Now, Jesus grew up a normal kid
for the most part, still retarded, and dyslexic. So he could
not really cut it as a carpenter. Then he remembers he has
all these demi god powers, and goes all goofy on people,
I tried to reason with him, and he just ignored me for the
most part, and then quoted my story to me as if I had no
clue where it came from!!!! Temptation my ass!! Damn!! So
he goes on and gets himself killed. And now they think he
is god..... fuck me. Well after that I needed a new bag,
so I made the music form I love the most... Disco!! It sooo
rules! Also Neil Diamond is the shit, and an official demi
god of Hell-O Land. And Saturday Night Fever was my baby
as well.... butterfly collars and bell bottom pants baby!!
So in a jealous rage dad goes out and makes country the
next big thing. Tight jeans and Wal Mart cowboy hats are
the norm and that one geek, Garth Brooks.... he liked Kiss,
and sang country? Bullshit. Him and his little blue flannel
shirt can kiss my ass. Needless to say Jesus had to get
in on the action as well. His creation you ask? Jazz. I
know.... he is retarded after all. Bunch of old farts sitting
around playing notes, all over the place. Strange. But even
more strange is this: Jesus was away visiting our other
brother, Kevin. Kevin is a vegetable and the black sheep.
Dad will not even admit he is alive. Bastard. So Jesus is
visiting Kevin, and take the jazz tape over for him to listen
to. Well Kevin ended up trying to eat the thing. Talk about
a pissed Jesus! On the way home from the visit, Jesus noticed
he left all his other tapes at the mental ward, and only
had the chewed up one from Kevin. So he listened to it,
and BOOOOM!!! Heavy Metal was born! Now that bastard is
raking in all kinds of money. Hope this helped you in getting
to know me better. later...
This one just in from The Soup
How do you feel about the fact that people are blaming
you for their problems? They say you tempted them and they
followed your temptations, and sinned. They blame you for
thier evil, and wrongs, and when life goes to crap.... you
are blamed. Does that piss you off? Thanks a lot, The Soup
-
Dear Soup
Damn good question son! The fact that people sin has nothing
to do with me. Nothing at all. I am not into messing anyone
up. I was a problem child, and I know the power of temptation.
The only reason people blame me for the bad shit in thier lives
is that they have massive problems dealing with god being a
prick. They cannot accept that god is both good and evil (just
look at the Teletubbies will ya?) If their god is the ultimate
power in the universe, then nothing goes on without his okay.
So if their life is messed up that is what god wants for them.
They cannot deal with that. So they blame me. Funny thing that
is. God wants them to mess up, he gets a kick out of it, believe
you me. Another reason why they blame me is that their very
own bible says in the book of 1 John, that if they sin, then
they are not of god, and are not a christian. They hate that,
and come up with some bullshit excuse that is meant to sin continuously.
Ha ha. Either way it goes, they are screwed huh? And all I do
is sit back and watch the whole thing and run my amusement park
business.
-
Dear Satan:
Will me being a serial killer, and farm animal molester secure
me a place in Hell? I mean I accepted jesus as my personal savior,
and all that, and I go to church a lot too. Am I still going
to heaven? God wont really say..as he is on some tour called
"Beat Dat Ass 2001" Thanks a bunch, Ted.
-
Dear Ted:
Well if you did indeed accept jesus as you personal body
god.. then no you will not go to hell. No matter what you do
or think. Period. So do not worry. Being a serial killer is
not all that bad, as you will eventually get caught, and then
have a few books or movies made about you. And if you do it
right, you will retain all the rights to the things, and bank
a lot of money for it. As for the farm animals go... well that
is not my bag baby. I just do not see how you could get off
on screwing something you would eat for dinner. That is sick.
I may have to talk to jesus to see if we can arrange that you
visit down here for a while, so some of my sheep demons can
have their way with you and your ass. Hell, even Hitler is in
heaven, along with Dahmer... but I do get them for a while every
year...... and as for god not answering well, he is way busy
with the "Beat Dat Ass Tour 2001" thing, he just had
the first bout in the tour with Allah over a nasty game of jacks.....
that was rough to say the least!
-
Dear Satan:
I like my roomate Mike..... and I think he likes me. I get
aroused when I think about him, and then hard when he touches
me in that special place. Am I gay? Thanks much, Doug.
-
Dear Doug:
Ummmm , yes you are. If you get hard when Mike touches you
in that special place, you are a flamer. But since you did not
include much info I had to ask my contacts in your chirstian
college you attend. Seems you are bi-sexual. Nothing wrong with
that I think. Now why should you worry about this? If you feel
comfortable with the fact you can get off with either sex, do
not worry about it. Just stay away from the Glee Club, they
do not really care for Bi-guys there. Also, it would be better
if you and Mike kept this silent, you can tell Cindy your girlfriend,
because she has been doing Mike for the last 3 months.... oh
and your sister as well... enjoy this part of your sexuality
Doug.
-
Dear Alice
who told you I am evil? They are lying! I am a happening dude,
I am the life of the party, hell I am nothing but happy fuzzy
love! Look, the whole evil thing is getting on my nerves. Really,
you grow up a problem deity, and your father gets tired of all
the counseling, and once you are old enough to rule your own
domain, booom! You get kicked out of home, and are froced to
start from scratch. My retarded brother Jesus was a worse case
than I was, but since he is a mental case, God took pity on
him, tried to boost his ego and the like by givinig him more
responsibilities and stuff, liek I said before, he could not
handle it got sent to the earth for a while, and got killed
for it. Shit, the earth is my play grouns, and where I test
the latest stuff form the divine theme park....Hell land. I
tried to give jesus a job and crap.. but all he did was deny
me and quote parts of my own book report I wrote and dad did
not like.... which he stole, and dad thought it was just great...
that damn bible was a rought draft. Nothing more, and it was
MINE! EVIL? I AM NOT EVIL!! Just misunderstood. I am not evil,
just an every day deity that got screwed over by family. They
lie, they are mad that I have made it on my own, and since jesus
is still on meds, they get all goo goo about his episodes, and
of course blame me for them in part, since I used to kick his
ass when we were growing up. maybe that is why i am considered
evil...who knows? Disco is evil... maybe that has a lot to do
with it. Neil Diamond is a kick ass singer too.
-
Dear Satan:
Why does god do bad things and you get all the blame? Is god
your daddy? Is jesus your brother? Will I go to hell when I
die? Thanks, Jeffery
-
Dear Jeffery:
Well now, you see in the begining god was all things both
good and evil. He did all the bad things in the world. He was
the cause for everything. Nothing happened that was not by his
power. After awhile he realized that the people would leave
his ass and not worship him anymore, so he made a scapegoat
for his evilness. Me. Yes, his first Son. So yes god is my daddy
so to speak. We are kinda like father and son. Jesus is my little
retarded brother. He was not really cutting it in heaven, so
god sent him down to live as a human for a few years, and his
retarded ass got himself killed for being uppity. Next thing
you know people think he is god. And that makes god mad. Really.
What do these people not understand about "monotheism?"
And no, you will not go to hell when you die, because, when
you die I will be on vacation. The theme park will be closed,
and all the attractions shut down for a week or two. I need
this vacation, and I cannot really trust anyone else to run
the place while I am gone. So you will be going to the area
known as "Area B," or the catholic quarter of Heaven.
Yes the welfare area of the holy city. I know, you will love
it there, jesus does not hang there, and all the cool angels
steer clear of it. Mainly all that is there are the catholics,
and they think that they are all alone in the city of heaven.
It is sooo cool this way, as they do not really bitch about
how messed up the conditions are there, as they think this is
all heaven has to offer, and running water and a few porn shops
are all you will evere really need. Right?
-
Dear Satan:
Do you control Osama Bin Laden`? Thanks James
-
Dear James:
Ummmm , no, I do not. Why should I? He is counter productive
to the image I am trying to establish for myself and Hell. Osama
is an idiot that follows god, and not me in anyway shape or
form. His heart is like that of David, after god`s heart. Like
a little bitch. It is funny, because a lot of people blame me
for that bastards actions, and they do not ever think that maybe
god wanted it. I mean hell, god is a real sadistic bastard,
just look at Tammy Faye Bakker, scary. And that Martha Stewart
bitch is his doing as well. Bin Laden is a fundamentalist idiot
that has no clue about god or what god wants. So no for the
last time he is not in my thrall. Can I get an amen?
-
Dear Mr. Satan, I am disappointed that you apparently
take no interest in the subject of the dead carnie
szandor (howie) lavey (levey), and his cult of
Nietszche plagiarizers.
In light of your apathy towards the blasphemous levey,
maybe you might consider the hysteria of southern
Baptists as worthy of your attention since your little
helper Mr.Squirrel claims he used to be one of those
idiots.
See, these SBC idiots run around harassing people who
just want to be left alone. I have seen groups of them
chanting at LDS temples saying that Mormons are the
devil, and they even saw fit to accost me, a neutral
observer, as I was walking around the temple in
Phoenix.
Satan, are the Mormons in league with you, do you
even CARE about the Mormons?
How about Disneyworld that the SBC idiots hate so
much, do you run that organization too?
I made the mistake of watching a video from the SBC
that warned about the connection between rock music
and Satanism.
Mr. Satan, did you REALLY inspire the lyrics to "Karma
Chameleon" by Culture Club? Did you help Elton John
write "Yellow Brick Road"?
To finish, these retarded SBC people seem to think
they know you pretty well, and to know all your
dealings, so I figured it would be a good idea to go
to the source (YOU) and ask if you have been building
Mormon temples, writing pop songs, and creating
Disneyworld.
respectfully yours,
brainpan
-
Dear Brainpan,
Thanks for asking these thought provoking questions! I think
I covered Howie in my last answer to you, so I will leave his
dead ass alone for now, oh by the way he says "Hi."
I do not see how you figure the Squirrel is my helper...oh wait
that little thing J said in my bible about those not for me
are against me, okay, but to tell you the truth you seem to
think it is all black and white about god and me. Well it is
not. There are more than just us, hell I had lunch last week
with Ra and he is not anything like me and old Yhwh, neither
is Shiva..... anyway let us get to some of your questions shall
we? As for the Mormons, well if they wanna believe they become
gods when they die, and get their own solar system to populate,
then fine.... they are more kooky than old Howie was. I am not
in league with them, although I may have gave Joe Smith dreams
a few times. Now, when we talk Southern Baptist we talk fuckin
looney! Maybe that is one reason for the scarring of the Squirrel?
Who knows, but they are nut cases to say the least. All they
think is that they have the truth and no one else could possibly
get to heaven without their silly little beliefs. They do not
know that I am really responsible for this whole world. Yes
I know what you are going to say...but I am. Due to my rebellion
mankind has learned to think for himself, to figure out things,
and make things better. Rebellion is a good thing, and the church
hated it because Yhwh is a tight ass. I sold him the creation
process rights, and I wrote the bible, which that little bitch
Jesus stole from me, and turned it in as a school project, as
we all can see it is a rough draft and should not be taken seriously.
Disneyland...now that is an accomplishment! Millions of little
children love that stupid mouse, and the duck! Little to they
know they are really minions in my infernal army!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Mickey alone commands over 200 legions of demons, mainly gardening
demons nothing really important. Donald has a few troops of
minor incubi, as no one can really understand his ass. The amusement
parks are built upon my Hell: Vacationland of the Gods theme
parks. Animal worship is big in the Disneyland Parks....there
you have it. As for POP songs.... I answered that last week
in Susie´s question. The only good thing that came out
of the 80´s was the 90´s.
-
From Susie:
Dear Satan,
What is your real name anyways? Lucifer? Satan? The Devil? Father
of Lies? Liar? Hate filled bastard? What do you really like to
be called? And why I am here, why is it that according to the
bible the only bad thing you really did was give Job boils? Seems
like you got the shaft Lucy my friend. Thanks alot, and take care.....
-
Dear Susie,
Thanks for the interesting questions, it seems as if you
really care. People have called me all kinds of names, and to
be honest with you, my real name is Kip. Lucifer sounds cool
and all that, but hey... it is not my name. Neither is Satan.
Sorry to break all your hearts people who worship me, but my
name is Kip, and I love disco. The butterfly collar and bell
bottom pants were my ideas. And fuck country music, I never
went down to Georgia. And I do NOT play a damn fiddle. I am
the John Travolta of the Nether Realms, thank you very much.
Although I have been known to cut heads at the Crossraods. And
death metal is not mine either. Thank Jesus for that one...all
the goth shit he did. As for the bad things I have done, again,
all bullshit. I am a nice guy, and a business man at heart.
The people that do messed up things in my name are gonna learn
in the end how I am. The boils thing with Job was a joke, actually.
Silly fucker ate some pig on accident had this weird LSD like
trip and thought I was bad, tried to reason with god, and came
to the conclusion that pig is bad not to eat it anymore.....
well I had a wee bit of fun with him. Boils was it. God did
the rest, killed all those people. God is a sick sick deity,
and in need of couseling. Just like his kid.
-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brain Pan:
Dear Satan, why havent you killed the followers of the
dead carnie calliope playing plagiarist who changed
his name to anton szandor lavey?
They mock you, and they mock Satanism. There is
nothing about laveyan satanism that is actually
Satanic, they just borrowed the name to attract some
kind of carnie side show freak attention to
themselves.
Blasphemy!
Imagine the gall of that raging jackass howie levey
and the invincible stupidity of his followers! All
howie did is collect a few ideas from Nietzsche,
rename it "Satanism", put them into a book called
the
"Satanic Bible", and then declare himself the leader
of Satanism!
Just my two cents, oh dark lord, I just wonder at
stupid people and your apparent unwillingness to
destroy them.
-
Dear Brain Pan,
Howie was just doing what I asked him to do. You see it
is all part of my plan to make man think I am an absurd myth
that cannot be true. The less they believe in me, the more powerful
I am. Also Howie used a few decent quotes and such from Crowley
and Ragnar Redbeard. Now Crowley was evil mind you, and a good
student of my lies. But Howie, hey let´s call him Anton,
was just used to further my dark plans. Which in essence was
to show how stupid belief in me is. This way one has to do nothing
and I own the rights to their soul. Pretty simple huh? Me and
Yhwh has a deal.... actually a parntership, in which we divide
the souls of man. So far it has been a very pleasant business,
and I have made out like a bandit. But, to be honest, another
reason I lie to peopl is this: I am bored off my ass. Being
eternal and all that is not what people make it out to be. God
feels the same way. So to spice it up a bit, we both possess
people and lie to them, and have them lie to others, just to
see how much of a following we can generate. Gets to be fun
from time to time. But hey, I am a god so I can do this. Yes
I am a god mortal, and you should just deal with it okay? Huh?
Oh I see, you have bought into the lie of the christian church
just like millions of others, me and God are both gods. Now
that we have that cleared up.... but speaking of a jackass......
have you looked into good old Mike Warnke? You see, me and god
had a little bet, to see if we could both pull it off. My man
was How..uh Anton, and Yhwh´s man was Mike. Pretty cool
huh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- From Pink Vixen:
Dear Satan,
I am expecting a huge party down in hell but I dont want my soon
to be
exhusband to be there because he is a prick.Can you do me a favor
by keeping
him out of hell by making him go to "Heaven" to realize
what he is
missing.If you help me with this I will give you the best head
you have ever
had.
Thanks,
Pink Vixen
- Dear PV,
I am sorry, but for that you must ask Yhwh. I would like the
head of course but to be honest, I am not in the habit of helping
people get into heaven, defeats the purpose of being evil you
see. Although I could arrange it that your soon to be ex will
be in another part of hell, mainly the catholic quarter. There
it is a little shitty to say the least. Kinda like the welfare
slums in a backwater Kentucky. We could also fix it so that he
is ass raped by 666th level masons that are in my service as well.
Or we could go with the pineapple up the ass thing if you wish.
But like all good things there is a price to pay. In the past
I would ask for some type of deed or service, but do to the times,
and needs of heel, I must ask for head and your soul. Not to much
I guess huh? Oh heck, wait your soul is already on the list for
the Lake of Fire quarter, along with a few others, and there you
have air conditioning and a stright shot over to the Well of Sadness
amusement park. Hmmmm how shall we ever work this out mortal?
-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Seraph
Dear Satan,
When I go to hell, will I meet Charles Darwin?
Have you read his book? What did you think of it?
Dear Seraph
Oh man..... if I had a soul for every time I have heard
this one, I would be able to open a new Hell. Yes you will meet
Charles, yes I have read the book. Hell, I wrote it for crying
out loud... you think a mere human could come up with that highly
intelligent and righteous tome of knowledge? Okay. You see the
thing is, evilution is a fact, and it is all mine baby. I created
it all and sold the rights to god so he could get his creation
business off the ground. God is a lazy bastard and can never
get it right the first time around. Just look at the ice age
will ya? That should not have happened. Also look at the human
eye...I know the Christian will say some weird bullshit about
it being perfect for seeing in air... but lets be honest, it
was a prototype and the giant squid's eyeball was the finished
product. (And I will let you in on a little secret... Lovecraft
got it all RIGHT)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Sarah
Dear Satan,
I am a lesbian, god hates me.... do you love me?
Dear Sarah
Of course I do!!! Love between two women is a beautiful
thing!! No worries, I will love you no matter what you are and
what you do. I do NOT place conditions on my love, UNLIKE some
back assward deities I know. I understand what it means to be
different and an individual. I know how it is to be hated for
just being yourself, and having no control over how you are.
UNLIKE YHWH I WILL listen and love and understand!!! JUST BECAUSE
YOU LIKED JESUS BETTER THAN ME AND WAS MAD AT ME FOR SLEEPING
WITH MIKE THE ARC ANGEL I WILL NOT HATE SARAH!!! DO YOU HEAR
ME???? Ummm sorry Sarah just got a little pissed there for a
second. Call me an emotional bitch if you will.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From David
Dear Satan,
What can I get for my soul these days? Still anything I want?
Dear David
Ummmm no, the soul is just not that valuable anymore. Sorry,
with the current rate you could get some cool shit for your
soul. Bit not anything at all anymore. I thought about it really
long, and talked to rest of the staff, and it is just not worth
it anymore. Well hey, what do you want... I am a business man,
nothing more. I mean it is used, and not at all new and fresh.
It has scars and baggage that makes the value go down with each
year. Plus I have more souls than I know what to do with right
now. The latest religious war was very productive for us. And
also the theme park here on the shores of the Lake of Fire is
doing a good amount of business as well. We could work something
out, but keep in mind that you will not get anything your heart
desires. I am not Burger King, you will not get it your way,
so come on down and talk to us, we will work it out. I have
many many satisfied customers, and not one complaint.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Bob
Dear Satan,
There seems to be a lot of argument as to whether you exist
or not. Can you tell us how that makes you feel?
Dear Bob:
Thanks for wondering about my feelings Bob! You will not
have those pineapples shoved up your ass once you get here,
I promise! I really am not bothered by the people not believing
in me. In fact I want it that way, as then they will come to
me and my vacation land theme parks better than god's. If they
feel better not believing I am real it makes my job easier to
get them to reject that pansy ass Jesus and be mine. Rather
genius I think, don't you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Sally
Dear Satan,
I am 16 and my boyfriend says he really loves me! He is 18
and a dream, and I love him with all my heart. He wants us to
sleep together, and I do not really feel I am ready to have
sex yet. What should I do? I am afraid that if I do not sleep
with him, I will lose him..... Satan HELP!!
Dear Sally:
Do not worry about losing him. The important thing to remember
here is YOU. If you do not feel you are ready to have sex yet,
then you are not. And if he really loved you, then he would
more than understand and accept your decision not to sleep together.
You are only 16, and you have your entire life ahead of you.....
um wait.... oops... you have 3 years tops, just got the message
from god.... so go ahead and have sex... gotta live your life
now baby! I will be seeing you soon!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Johnny
Dear Satan,
Why do people always give you a bad rap? Why do people hate
you so much? When I have read the bible, you really did not
do anything that bad..... why does god hate you?
Dear Johnny
Easy, for the most part, there needs to be two sides of
a coin, the goodness of god needs a bad guy in order to be good.
With out evil, you will not have good. I am a needed part of
the balance. With out me, god is nothing. Sorry to tell you
that Christians, but it is a fact. Also, god is still mad that
I thought my angel friend mike was more sexy than god was. I
wanted nothing more to do with god sexually, and he was pissed.
That is why homosexuality is a no no with god, because his relationship
with me went bad. He was hurt, I mean hell, he was god.... why
would anyone want to not do god? But to be honest he was not
good in bed, mike on the other hand was great in bed.... the
things he could do was amazing, I miss him at times. I did try
to make up with god when he came down as his son, but you know
how that went.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
From Seraph
Dear Satan,
God said I was going to Hell to burn, torment, and repent. Could
I bring a
couch? Or a chair with a cushion? Since I'm going to rot in Hell
forever,
could I at least be comfortable? Can I listen to Marilyn Manson
music, too?
Dear Seraph
You may bring any furniture you desire. Although the condos
here in Hell are already furnished. As for the torment shit, that
is all a lie made up by the god folks to scare you away from here.
I think it is a money thing. The vacation land of Hell is a lovely
place to visit, and you may just wish to stay here for all eternity.
The price is only your soul. Not much to ask for a lovely vacation
home is it? Manson (Mary and Charley) can be played all the time,
and played with too. Can I get an amen?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Jeffry
Dear Satan,
Why is the Bible a bunch of bullshit??
Dear Jeffry:
Well, mainly because it was an early essay I was working on
for school. My brother Jesus found it, and decided to use it for
his own. We started to fight over it, and then I got kicked out
of Heaven. Fuck me..... anyways, Jesus being the lazy bitch he is
thought he could get away with using it as his own, and since he
is lazy did not even look at what I wrote. I was mad at Dad when
I wrote the OT, that is why he looks like a blood god prick in it.
And my brother Jesus was a lazy ass hippy love jerk, so....I made
it look bad for him too. But hell he cannot even read....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|