Ask Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                                 

  • We at Squirrel´s Island are not responsible for any anwers Satan should give, as we are not Satan, nor could we control the Dark Lord.

  • hi my name is allison

    i wanted to ask you how to jerk off a guy and where are the weaknesses in the penis because my b/f is getting tired of just fingering me an sloppily eating my breasts i feel like i owe this to him?

    Dear Allison.... slut. I knew I should have never took you home with me.

  • Hey Satan, listen up. I got this cult group of Christians whose cage I’d like to rattle. I work in a little strip mall in California. Now, in this center is a sports bar. There is no established church, to say, in this center. But every Sunday morning, this sports bar hosts a group of reborn, rock-a-billy Christians. It’s called Hot Rod Church for sinners. Yeah, they all think they have hot rods. They’ve got a bunch of old… Bombs. Mostly old trucks from the 50’s and 60’s. Spray painted with primer. And they all have rock-a-billy hair cuts, the preacher has this band, you can hear them through the walls. And they’re typical Christians, thinking they can do anything they want. One year, during cinco de mayo, the owner of the sports bar got drunk, hung over and never came by to open the place. So what they did, was set up chairs right out, in front of the store I work, and proceeded with their Christian rock-a-billy. You couldn't’t get in my place, without going through them. I complained, but nobody cares about the opinion of a non-believer. You know how it goes. Anyway I got a few plans, and one of them involves music and my very loud car stereo. Do you know of any good, satanic CDs? Where can I get them? I’am talking about real dark music which praises You… by name. I really want to fuck with these people. In many different ways.

    Well now Marion... (hell yeah I know your damn name....) there are many many cd's that praise my holy name. And I could list them all for you. But I won't. Instead I will give a few choice cd's to fuck with them back assward sheep that do not fucking realize that a duck tail went out of style for a reason... and those t-shirts with the cigs rolled up in them looks about gay. Not to mention those fucking jeans and white socks... it is sooooo Pee Wee Herman. For the first CD you need to out and get yourself Slayer's Reign in Blood. Some really good me moments on that one. Then anything by Cradle of Filth is good. Although they do not mention me by name that many times... the music and mood will piss anyone not brain damaged off. And Slipknot is a good one to get people all upset. But the best shit to play is the following: Any thing by Niel Diamond!! Or the Bee Gee's. There is nothing more satanic than a jew singing about New York, or the Gibbs whining about a girl in a disco.. fuck it.... anything by Abba is good too. But you have to play Abba backwards for it to really have an effect. I got this on slut to come back with me after her revival meeting by playing Super Trooper in reverse, three octaves lower.. her name was Allison, that bitch was a hottie, but would not put out at all... just wanted to give a hand job. Damn christian women.
  • Dear Satan,

    You know, I sold you my soul for fame and riches beyond imagination. I wanted to be a pop star, and have everyone get off on my voice and hot body, as I sung those sexy ass pop songs that would make teenage girls wet. What gives? I am a wash up now, and nobody cares about me… what the fuck? Can you say Breach of Contract???????


    Dear David,

    Okay ass boy, I told you once, you were famous, get it? You were famous. For your damn singing (which sucked out the ass by the way) why is it you stupid white Americans always wanna be rock stars? Okay I know the knight rider deal turned sour, but they would not let you sing to Kit, and there was no way in hell they were going to turn Kit into some preteen girlie personae so you could try out all those bitchin lyrics. You got cancelled and wound up doing stupid dog food commercials, and wait a sec… you got a part in that one show where you played this cop that sucked. Oh yeah plus who got that stint in Bay Watch? Tell me David… I did and you know it. Souls do not go for all that anymore, but since you sucked so bad after I gave you your wish, I thought I would swing the Bay Watch thing… everyone knows some tits will make even the most suckyest actor look good for a minute or two…can you say You Still Suck Davey Boy??

    Dear Satan,
    I am a nice girl, and I do not kiss on the first date. Is this bad? My friend Marion says I should at least kiss on the first date. Is this an acceptable practice?

    Dear Sally,
    Thanks for the lovely question! To be honest, kissing on the first date is not all that bad. I remember my first date; it was with an angel... she was hot. And she did more than just kiss me.... those seraphim can really su.... um anyways, the important thing here, is what YOU feel comfortable with licking anothers tongue. If you think it is wrong to kiss on the first date, then by all means, do not feel coerced into it, or feel you have to. If Marion likes to kiss on the first date, then let her, although I know what she can do on a first date.... just ask your brother Timmy. Man o man, I thought I was kinky!! Timmy likes it when Marion reads the bible to him, and shaves his back at the same time. Weirdest shit I have seen in a long time, and I slept with the Muppets baby. Hope this helps you Sally, and remember, Satan loves you!!!

  • Dear Satan,
    Why is it that you are always portrayed as a demon thing red with horns? And a tail? Why is it that you are always more fun to hang with than god?
    Thanks Bobby.

    Well Bobby, thanks for writing in!
    To answer your questions, I do not have a tail, no horns, nor am I red. I am just as white as you are. Yes, I am white. I do not care what others say, that is my story and I am sticking to it. The whole red tailed demon thing came about because of an LSD party I went to in this bitchin disco. John Travolta was there, and we did the do, plus I was advertising my newest group find: Neil Diamond. I also let it leak out that I had my own nether realm, which boasted the coolest amusement park ever. We are still in court with Disney, because they ripped me off. I was dressed in drag, and the lights made it look red and the coat ripped, as I reached around to grab Cher`s ass (Yes, I am BI). Maybe that is why I am more fun to hang with than god, I mean my dad is a tight ass, and gets on the nerves with his whole "I am sooooo holy" bullshit. It does get old as all hell, and is not fun after a few million years.

  • Dear Satan:
    Why is it that when I masturbate, I hear these voices in my head telling me to put a vacuum cleaner hose in my ass?
    - Willie

    Hello Willie
    Colonics baby. Next question?

  • Dear Satan:

    Hi. My name is Bob. I am an agnostic boy... which means I don't believe in a god... kinda. Does that mean I will go to hell? I ask this because I'd rather not ask god.. Since he doesn't exist. I realize this means that you likely don't exist either; but I thought, hell, why not? right?

    Also, are you a male or a female? In this book I have right here (really really long book) it says you are a male, and that god is a male, and everyone else is a male. Where are all the females here? Do you have a girlfriend (likely not a wife since it wouldn't make sense for you to get married)? Any personal information would be greatly appreciated... I'm just curious.

    - Bob

    Hello Bob,
    Right, why not? Since neither of us really exist, you should not worry in the least bit huh? Although, I do not think you are going to hell for not believing. Lets be honest, it is getting way to crowded here in the Nether Realm, and we are currently looking for new land to expand the Theme Parks and golf courses. This likely means that you will not be coming to Hell, but more than likely a suburb of Hell. If you are lucky you will not have to travel that long to get to Hell-Oh Land, and have fun after you are dead and buried. We have a wonderful roller coaster that God ripped us off for, and we are currently taking his ass to court. Oh yeah, another thing, God gets the ass when you think he does not exist. Kinda like the spoiled blond cheer leader chick that gets a boob job, and no really notices. Yeppers, just like that actually.
    I happen to be a male. And yes God is a guy as well. There is a long story behind this, and you wanted personal info didn't you? Okay... you were warned.....
    My real name is Kip, my dad is Yhwh, or as you may know him, God. Jesus is my little retarded brother. Anyways, I happen to be a bisexual demi god. Dad was okay and cool about it and all, until I was caught sleeping with the Arc-angel Michael. Turns out that dad was sleeping with him as well. Next thing you he hates homosexuals. Go figure. Now, I pretty much left home then, in part because of the Mike thing and in part because Jesus was the baby of the family, the little prick got away with murder. And my grades in school was suffering. My one short story I wrote did not please dad at all, since it told the truth about him, and he does not like to be portrayed as an ass. Well I took it back and threw it away. Turns out Jesus picks it out of the trash and uses it as his own, he changed one or two things in it, like the homosexual issue.... and turned it in. Dad loved it. Next thing you know, it is the bible. Kill me please. Just because Jesus is the baby and retarded he gets it all.... well you know what I mean. So I left left home and struck out as my own demi god. I founded Hell-O Land, the supernatural theme part for all eternity, and have been a very successful business man. People are selling their souls to get in. During my time at Hell-O Land, Jesus became to uppity for dad to handle, so he came up with a great plan, dad wanted to bang this Jewish chick for a long time, named Mary, so he found the time, and knocked her up. And got rid of Jesus for a bit as well. Jesus was born to Mary, and you know how God is.... no matter what he is right, so he smoothed the whole thing over, because Joseph wanted to kill her cheatin ass. Now, Jesus grew up a normal kid for the most part, still retarded, and dyslexic. So he could not really cut it as a carpenter. Then he remembers he has all these demi god powers, and goes all goofy on people, I tried to reason with him, and he just ignored me for the most part, and then quoted my story to me as if I had no clue where it came from!!!! Temptation my ass!! Damn!! So he goes on and gets himself killed. And now they think he is god..... fuck me. Well after that I needed a new bag, so I made the music form I love the most... Disco!! It sooo rules! Also Neil Diamond is the shit, and an official demi god of Hell-O Land. And Saturday Night Fever was my baby as well.... butterfly collars and bell bottom pants baby!! So in a jealous rage dad goes out and makes country the next big thing. Tight jeans and Wal Mart cowboy hats are the norm and that one geek, Garth Brooks.... he liked Kiss, and sang country? Bullshit. Him and his little blue flannel shirt can kiss my ass. Needless to say Jesus had to get in on the action as well. His creation you ask? Jazz. I know.... he is retarded after all. Bunch of old farts sitting around playing notes, all over the place. Strange. But even more strange is this: Jesus was away visiting our other brother, Kevin. Kevin is a vegetable and the black sheep. Dad will not even admit he is alive. Bastard. So Jesus is visiting Kevin, and take the jazz tape over for him to listen to. Well Kevin ended up trying to eat the thing. Talk about a pissed Jesus! On the way home from the visit, Jesus noticed he left all his other tapes at the mental ward, and only had the chewed up one from Kevin. So he listened to it, and BOOOOM!!! Heavy Metal was born! Now that bastard is raking in all kinds of money. Hope this helped you in getting to know me better. later...

    This one just in from The Soup

    How do you feel about the fact that people are blaming you for their problems? They say you tempted them and they followed your temptations, and sinned. They blame you for thier evil, and wrongs, and when life goes to crap.... you are blamed. Does that piss you off? Thanks a lot, The Soup


  • Dear Soup
    Damn good question son! The fact that people sin has nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. I am not into messing anyone up. I was a problem child, and I know the power of temptation. The only reason people blame me for the bad shit in thier lives is that they have massive problems dealing with god being a prick. They cannot accept that god is both good and evil (just look at the Teletubbies will ya?) If their god is the ultimate power in the universe, then nothing goes on without his okay. So if their life is messed up that is what god wants for them. They cannot deal with that. So they blame me. Funny thing that is. God wants them to mess up, he gets a kick out of it, believe you me. Another reason why they blame me is that their very own bible says in the book of 1 John, that if they sin, then they are not of god, and are not a christian. They hate that, and come up with some bullshit excuse that is meant to sin continuously. Ha ha. Either way it goes, they are screwed huh? And all I do is sit back and watch the whole thing and run my amusement park business.

  • Dear Satan:

    Will me being a serial killer, and farm animal molester secure me a place in Hell? I mean I accepted jesus as my personal savior, and all that, and I go to church a lot too. Am I still going to heaven? God wont really say..as he is on some tour called "Beat Dat Ass 2001" Thanks a bunch, Ted.

  • Dear Ted:

    Well if you did indeed accept jesus as you personal body god.. then no you will not go to hell. No matter what you do or think. Period. So do not worry. Being a serial killer is not all that bad, as you will eventually get caught, and then have a few books or movies made about you. And if you do it right, you will retain all the rights to the things, and bank a lot of money for it. As for the farm animals go... well that is not my bag baby. I just do not see how you could get off on screwing something you would eat for dinner. That is sick. I may have to talk to jesus to see if we can arrange that you visit down here for a while, so some of my sheep demons can have their way with you and your ass. Hell, even Hitler is in heaven, along with Dahmer... but I do get them for a while every year...... and as for god not answering well, he is way busy with the "Beat Dat Ass Tour 2001" thing, he just had the first bout in the tour with Allah over a nasty game of jacks..... that was rough to say the least!

  • Dear Satan:

    I like my roomate Mike..... and I think he likes me. I get aroused when I think about him, and then hard when he touches me in that special place. Am I gay? Thanks much, Doug.

  • Dear Doug:

    Ummmm , yes you are. If you get hard when Mike touches you in that special place, you are a flamer. But since you did not include much info I had to ask my contacts in your chirstian college you attend. Seems you are bi-sexual. Nothing wrong with that I think. Now why should you worry about this? If you feel comfortable with the fact you can get off with either sex, do not worry about it. Just stay away from the Glee Club, they do not really care for Bi-guys there. Also, it would be better if you and Mike kept this silent, you can tell Cindy your girlfriend, because she has been doing Mike for the last 3 months.... oh and your sister as well... enjoy this part of your sexuality Doug.

  • This one just in from Alice:

    Why are you evil? yours Alice


  • Dear Alice
    who told you I am evil? They are lying! I am a happening dude, I am the life of the party, hell I am nothing but happy fuzzy love! Look, the whole evil thing is getting on my nerves. Really, you grow up a problem deity, and your father gets tired of all the counseling, and once you are old enough to rule your own domain, booom! You get kicked out of home, and are froced to start from scratch. My retarded brother Jesus was a worse case than I was, but since he is a mental case, God took pity on him, tried to boost his ego and the like by givinig him more responsibilities and stuff, liek I said before, he could not handle it got sent to the earth for a while, and got killed for it. Shit, the earth is my play grouns, and where I test the latest stuff form the divine theme park....Hell land. I tried to give jesus a job and crap.. but all he did was deny me and quote parts of my own book report I wrote and dad did not like.... which he stole, and dad thought it was just great... that damn bible was a rought draft. Nothing more, and it was MINE! EVIL? I AM NOT EVIL!! Just misunderstood. I am not evil, just an every day deity that got screwed over by family. They lie, they are mad that I have made it on my own, and since jesus is still on meds, they get all goo goo about his episodes, and of course blame me for them in part, since I used to kick his ass when we were growing up. maybe that is why i am considered evil...who knows? Disco is evil... maybe that has a lot to do with it. Neil Diamond is a kick ass singer too.

  • Dear Satan:

    Why does god do bad things and you get all the blame? Is god your daddy? Is jesus your brother? Will I go to hell when I die? Thanks, Jeffery

  • Dear Jeffery:

    Well now, you see in the begining god was all things both good and evil. He did all the bad things in the world. He was the cause for everything. Nothing happened that was not by his power. After awhile he realized that the people would leave his ass and not worship him anymore, so he made a scapegoat for his evilness. Me. Yes, his first Son. So yes god is my daddy so to speak. We are kinda like father and son. Jesus is my little retarded brother. He was not really cutting it in heaven, so god sent him down to live as a human for a few years, and his retarded ass got himself killed for being uppity. Next thing you know people think he is god. And that makes god mad. Really. What do these people not understand about "monotheism?" And no, you will not go to hell when you die, because, when you die I will be on vacation. The theme park will be closed, and all the attractions shut down for a week or two. I need this vacation, and I cannot really trust anyone else to run the place while I am gone. So you will be going to the area known as "Area B," or the catholic quarter of Heaven. Yes the welfare area of the holy city. I know, you will love it there, jesus does not hang there, and all the cool angels steer clear of it. Mainly all that is there are the catholics, and they think that they are all alone in the city of heaven. It is sooo cool this way, as they do not really bitch about how messed up the conditions are there, as they think this is all heaven has to offer, and running water and a few porn shops are all you will evere really need. Right?

  • Dear Satan:

    Do you control Osama Bin Laden`? Thanks James

  • Dear James:

    Ummmm , no, I do not. Why should I? He is counter productive to the image I am trying to establish for myself and Hell. Osama is an idiot that follows god, and not me in anyway shape or form. His heart is like that of David, after god`s heart. Like a little bitch. It is funny, because a lot of people blame me for that bastards actions, and they do not ever think that maybe god wanted it. I mean hell, god is a real sadistic bastard, just look at Tammy Faye Bakker, scary. And that Martha Stewart bitch is his doing as well. Bin Laden is a fundamentalist idiot that has no clue about god or what god wants. So no for the last time he is not in my thrall. Can I get an amen?

  • Dear Mr. Satan, I am disappointed that you apparently
    take no interest in the subject of the dead carnie
    szandor (howie) lavey (levey), and his cult of
    Nietszche plagiarizers.
    In light of your apathy towards the blasphemous levey,
    maybe you might consider the hysteria of southern
    Baptists as worthy of your attention since your little
    helper Mr.Squirrel claims he used to be one of those
    See, these SBC idiots run around harassing people who
    just want to be left alone. I have seen groups of them
    chanting at LDS temples saying that Mormons are the
    devil, and they even saw fit to accost me, a neutral
    observer, as I was walking around the temple in
    Satan, are the Mormons in league with you, do you
    even CARE about the Mormons?
    How about Disneyworld that the SBC idiots hate so
    much, do you run that organization too?
    I made the mistake of watching a video from the SBC
    that warned about the connection between rock music
    and Satanism.
    Mr. Satan, did you REALLY inspire the lyrics to "Karma
    Chameleon" by Culture Club? Did you help Elton John
    write "Yellow Brick Road"?
    To finish, these retarded SBC people seem to think
    they know you pretty well, and to know all your
    dealings, so I figured it would be a good idea to go
    to the source (YOU) and ask if you have been building
    Mormon temples, writing pop songs, and creating
    respectfully yours,


  • Dear Brainpan,

    Thanks for asking these thought provoking questions! I think I covered Howie in my last answer to you, so I will leave his dead ass alone for now, oh by the way he says "Hi." I do not see how you figure the Squirrel is my helper...oh wait that little thing J said in my bible about those not for me are against me, okay, but to tell you the truth you seem to think it is all black and white about god and me. Well it is not. There are more than just us, hell I had lunch last week with Ra and he is not anything like me and old Yhwh, neither is Shiva..... anyway let us get to some of your questions shall we? As for the Mormons, well if they wanna believe they become gods when they die, and get their own solar system to populate, then fine.... they are more kooky than old Howie was. I am not in league with them, although I may have gave Joe Smith dreams a few times. Now, when we talk Southern Baptist we talk fuckin looney! Maybe that is one reason for the scarring of the Squirrel? Who knows, but they are nut cases to say the least. All they think is that they have the truth and no one else could possibly get to heaven without their silly little beliefs. They do not know that I am really responsible for this whole world. Yes I know what you are going to say...but I am. Due to my rebellion mankind has learned to think for himself, to figure out things, and make things better. Rebellion is a good thing, and the church hated it because Yhwh is a tight ass. I sold him the creation process rights, and I wrote the bible, which that little bitch Jesus stole from me, and turned it in as a school project, as we all can see it is a rough draft and should not be taken seriously. Disneyland...now that is an accomplishment! Millions of little children love that stupid mouse, and the duck! Little to they know they are really minions in my infernal army!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Mickey alone commands over 200 legions of demons, mainly gardening demons nothing really important. Donald has a few troops of minor incubi, as no one can really understand his ass. The amusement parks are built upon my Hell: Vacationland of the Gods theme parks. Animal worship is big in the Disneyland Parks....there you have it. As for POP songs.... I answered that last week in Susie´s question. The only good thing that came out of the 80´s was the 90´s.

  • From Susie:

    Dear Satan,

    What is your real name anyways? Lucifer? Satan? The Devil? Father of Lies? Liar? Hate filled bastard? What do you really like to be called? And why I am here, why is it that according to the bible the only bad thing you really did was give Job boils? Seems like you got the shaft Lucy my friend. Thanks alot, and take care.....


  • Dear Susie,

    Thanks for the interesting questions, it seems as if you really care. People have called me all kinds of names, and to be honest with you, my real name is Kip. Lucifer sounds cool and all that, but hey... it is not my name. Neither is Satan. Sorry to break all your hearts people who worship me, but my name is Kip, and I love disco. The butterfly collar and bell bottom pants were my ideas. And fuck country music, I never went down to Georgia. And I do NOT play a damn fiddle. I am the John Travolta of the Nether Realms, thank you very much. Although I have been known to cut heads at the Crossraods. And death metal is not mine either. Thank Jesus for that one...all the goth shit he did. As for the bad things I have done, again, all bullshit. I am a nice guy, and a business man at heart. The people that do messed up things in my name are gonna learn in the end how I am. The boils thing with Job was a joke, actually. Silly fucker ate some pig on accident had this weird LSD like trip and thought I was bad, tried to reason with god, and came to the conclusion that pig is bad not to eat it anymore..... well I had a wee bit of fun with him. Boils was it. God did the rest, killed all those people. God is a sick sick deity, and in need of couseling. Just like his kid.

  • ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Brain Pan:

    Dear Satan, why havent you killed the followers of the
    dead carnie calliope playing plagiarist who changed
    his name to anton szandor lavey?
    They mock you, and they mock Satanism. There is
    nothing about laveyan satanism that is actually
    Satanic, they just borrowed the name to attract some
    kind of carnie side show freak attention to
    Imagine the gall of that raging jackass howie levey
    and the invincible stupidity of his followers! All
    howie did is collect a few ideas from Nietzsche,
    rename it "Satanism", put them into a book called the
    "Satanic Bible", and then declare himself the leader
    of Satanism!
    Just my two cents, oh dark lord, I just wonder at
    stupid people and your apparent unwillingness to
    destroy them.

  • Dear Brain Pan,

    Howie was just doing what I asked him to do. You see it is all part of my plan to make man think I am an absurd myth that cannot be true. The less they believe in me, the more powerful I am. Also Howie used a few decent quotes and such from Crowley and Ragnar Redbeard. Now Crowley was evil mind you, and a good student of my lies. But Howie, hey let´s call him Anton, was just used to further my dark plans. Which in essence was to show how stupid belief in me is. This way one has to do nothing and I own the rights to their soul. Pretty simple huh? Me and Yhwh has a deal.... actually a parntership, in which we divide the souls of man. So far it has been a very pleasant business, and I have made out like a bandit. But, to be honest, another reason I lie to peopl is this: I am bored off my ass. Being eternal and all that is not what people make it out to be. God feels the same way. So to spice it up a bit, we both possess people and lie to them, and have them lie to others, just to see how much of a following we can generate. Gets to be fun from time to time. But hey, I am a god so I can do this. Yes I am a god mortal, and you should just deal with it okay? Huh? Oh I see, you have bought into the lie of the christian church just like millions of others, me and God are both gods. Now that we have that cleared up.... but speaking of a jackass...... have you looked into good old Mike Warnke? You see, me and god had a little bet, to see if we could both pull it off. My man was How..uh Anton, and Yhwh´s man was Mike. Pretty cool huh?


  • From Pink Vixen:

    Dear Satan,

    I am expecting a huge party down in hell but I dont want my soon to be
    exhusband to be there because he is a prick.Can you do me a favor by keeping
    him out of hell by making him go to "Heaven" to realize what he is
    missing.If you help me with this I will give you the best head you have ever
    Pink Vixen


  • Dear PV,
  • I am sorry, but for that you must ask Yhwh. I would like the head of course but to be honest, I am not in the habit of helping people get into heaven, defeats the purpose of being evil you see. Although I could arrange it that your soon to be ex will be in another part of hell, mainly the catholic quarter. There it is a little shitty to say the least. Kinda like the welfare slums in a backwater Kentucky. We could also fix it so that he is ass raped by 666th level masons that are in my service as well. Or we could go with the pineapple up the ass thing if you wish. But like all good things there is a price to pay. In the past I would ask for some type of deed or service, but do to the times, and needs of heel, I must ask for head and your soul. Not to much I guess huh? Oh heck, wait your soul is already on the list for the Lake of Fire quarter, along with a few others, and there you have air conditioning and a stright shot over to the Well of Sadness amusement park. Hmmmm how shall we ever work this out mortal?

  • ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From Seraph

    Dear Satan,

    When I go to hell, will I meet Charles Darwin?
    Have you read his book? What did you think of it?


    Dear Seraph

    Oh man..... if I had a soul for every time I have heard this one, I would be able to open a new Hell. Yes you will meet Charles, yes I have read the book. Hell, I wrote it for crying out loud... you think a mere human could come up with that highly intelligent and righteous tome of knowledge? Okay. You see the thing is, evilution is a fact, and it is all mine baby. I created it all and sold the rights to god so he could get his creation business off the ground. God is a lazy bastard and can never get it right the first time around. Just look at the ice age will ya? That should not have happened. Also look at the human eye...I know the Christian will say some weird bullshit about it being perfect for seeing in air... but lets be honest, it was a prototype and the giant squid's eyeball was the finished product. (And I will let you in on a little secret... Lovecraft got it all RIGHT)


    From Sarah

    Dear Satan,

    I am a lesbian, god hates me.... do you love me?


    Dear Sarah

    Of course I do!!! Love between two women is a beautiful thing!! No worries, I will love you no matter what you are and what you do. I do NOT place conditions on my love, UNLIKE some back assward deities I know. I understand what it means to be different and an individual. I know how it is to be hated for just being yourself, and having no control over how you are. UNLIKE YHWH I WILL listen and love and understand!!! JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKED JESUS BETTER THAN ME AND WAS MAD AT ME FOR SLEEPING WITH MIKE THE ARC ANGEL I WILL NOT HATE SARAH!!! DO YOU HEAR ME???? Ummm sorry Sarah just got a little pissed there for a second. Call me an emotional bitch if you will.


    From David

    Dear Satan,

    What can I get for my soul these days? Still anything I want?


    Dear David

    Ummmm no, the soul is just not that valuable anymore. Sorry, with the current rate you could get some cool shit for your soul. Bit not anything at all anymore. I thought about it really long, and talked to rest of the staff, and it is just not worth it anymore. Well hey, what do you want... I am a business man, nothing more. I mean it is used, and not at all new and fresh. It has scars and baggage that makes the value go down with each year. Plus I have more souls than I know what to do with right now. The latest religious war was very productive for us. And also the theme park here on the shores of the Lake of Fire is doing a good amount of business as well. We could work something out, but keep in mind that you will not get anything your heart desires. I am not Burger King, you will not get it your way, so come on down and talk to us, we will work it out. I have many many satisfied customers, and not one complaint.


    From Bob

    Dear Satan,

    There seems to be a lot of argument as to whether you exist or not. Can you tell us how that makes you feel?


    Dear Bob:

    Thanks for wondering about my feelings Bob! You will not have those pineapples shoved up your ass once you get here, I promise! I really am not bothered by the people not believing in me. In fact I want it that way, as then they will come to me and my vacation land theme parks better than god's. If they feel better not believing I am real it makes my job easier to get them to reject that pansy ass Jesus and be mine. Rather genius I think, don't you?


    From Sally

    Dear Satan,

    I am 16 and my boyfriend says he really loves me! He is 18 and a dream, and I love him with all my heart. He wants us to sleep together, and I do not really feel I am ready to have sex yet. What should I do? I am afraid that if I do not sleep with him, I will lose him..... Satan HELP!!


    Dear Sally:

    Do not worry about losing him. The important thing to remember here is YOU. If you do not feel you are ready to have sex yet, then you are not. And if he really loved you, then he would more than understand and accept your decision not to sleep together. You are only 16, and you have your entire life ahead of you..... um wait.... oops... you have 3 years tops, just got the message from god.... so go ahead and have sex... gotta live your life now baby! I will be seeing you soon!!!!


    From Johnny

    Dear Satan,

    Why do people always give you a bad rap? Why do people hate you so much? When I have read the bible, you really did not do anything that bad..... why does god hate you?


    Dear Johnny

    Easy, for the most part, there needs to be two sides of a coin, the goodness of god needs a bad guy in order to be good. With out evil, you will not have good. I am a needed part of the balance. With out me, god is nothing. Sorry to tell you that Christians, but it is a fact. Also, god is still mad that I thought my angel friend mike was more sexy than god was. I wanted nothing more to do with god sexually, and he was pissed. That is why homosexuality is a no no with god, because his relationship with me went bad. He was hurt, I mean hell, he was god.... why would anyone want to not do god? But to be honest he was not good in bed, mike on the other hand was great in bed.... the things he could do was amazing, I miss him at times. I did try to make up with god when he came down as his son, but you know how that went.....


  • From Seraph

    Dear Satan,

    God said I was going to Hell to burn, torment, and repent. Could I bring a
    couch? Or a chair with a cushion? Since I'm going to rot in Hell forever,
    could I at least be comfortable? Can I listen to Marilyn Manson music, too?

Dear Seraph

You may bring any furniture you desire. Although the condos here in Hell are already furnished. As for the torment shit, that is all a lie made up by the god folks to scare you away from here. I think it is a money thing. The vacation land of Hell is a lovely place to visit, and you may just wish to stay here for all eternity. The price is only your soul. Not much to ask for a lovely vacation home is it? Manson (Mary and Charley) can be played all the time, and played with too. Can I get an amen?


From Jeffry

Dear Satan,

Why is the Bible a bunch of bullshit??


Dear Jeffry:

Well, mainly because it was an early essay I was working on for school. My brother Jesus found it, and decided to use it for his own. We started to fight over it, and then I got kicked out of Heaven. Fuck me..... anyways, Jesus being the lazy bitch he is thought he could get away with using it as his own, and since he is lazy did not even look at what I wrote. I was mad at Dad when I wrote the OT, that is why he looks like a blood god prick in it. And my brother Jesus was a lazy ass hippy love jerk, so....I made it look bad for him too. But hell he cannot even read....



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