Ask God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                                 

  • We at Squirrel´s Island are not responsible for the answers given by god, as he is god, and we are not!!

  • From Casey
    Uhh, Hello God?
    I have a problem where I really, really like to watch SheMale movies while desexing Barbie Dolls. I now it's wrong but, I don't know what to do. Wait a minute. Barbie Dolls don't have pussies or even assholes! Oh God what have I been doing with my whole meager life. I must confess God that I have been having secret thoughts about The Goat. You know who I mean God but, I won't utter His blasphemous name here on this sacred, sacred place. I trust you God and I know you love me because you told me at the bus stop last week. If I meet any non believing Goat-lovers, should I kill them on the spot or should I tell you first? Thank you God.
  • Well now Casey, interesting questions you have for me this time around. There is nothing wrong with watching Shemale porn. Shemales are the only way to get around my no homosexual sex thing. Since they are both a man and a woman, you get outta hot water. Plain and simple. Gabriel is a trannie, and what a hot little angel he is! Now as for the Barbie dolls... you sick bastard you know I HATE idolatry. Period. I will have to send you to hell for this. And since you lust after the Goat, you shall spend all eternity with your lover the Goat. Are you happy now? You will never know the love of Gabriel and the other trannie angels. IF you want to appease your God then you will not kill the goat-lovers, but fornicate with them.
    Yours truely....God
  • From Ronald Williams
    Riverdale, MD

    1) Why does God need to be worshiped? Can He survive without our worship? If so, what does it matter then?

  • Well Ronald, good question. And to answer this one, I will tell you a little secret. I don't need to be worshipped actually. I get off on it yes, but I do not need it. You worship me because I damn well say so. If not I get to cook your little ass for all eternity. I can survive without worship.. I am god dammit. Shit, Micheal Jackson has survived all this time without a single... or his real skin color... but I am getting off track here Ron.... and Ron, I have not forgotten about the thing you had with the eskimo transvestite. I am god.... what matters is you stroke my ego, or I send you to hell. Thanks for writing in. I love you.
  • From MrWitch
    Hello, lack of a better term; i.e. god. Was it you, or you’re alter ego (Satan), who came up with the idea of public bathroom attendant? Here’s someone who spends a work day, sitting in a bathroom, in a suit and tie, waiting on you. Turning on the water, pouring soap in your hands, offering a choice of colognes. Is this like a purgatory? One flush away, from the bowels of hell? Last chance to repent, don’t piss it away? And talk about the sins of the father? Woe, to the son of a bathroom attendant, who has to stand before his class, and say what his father does for a living.

    Well now Marion ( thought I would not know a guy is named Marion? I am god after all...) being an attendant in a restroom is nothing to laugh at. I make all my angels do it for about 300 years.. and made my son do it for about 400, so he would learn to make others more comfy. I mean, come on, someone has to clean the damn pissers up. The water doe not turn itself on... those towels are not magical you know. I know there are many many people who would kill to be a bathroom attendant... like Pee Wee Herman, and Goerge Micheal for example. The attendant job is also a way of finding out who is gay, and who is not. If one of my angels go and puff the man chicken, I know that I have to kick them out of my heaven and send them to my other son, Kip. Hell I cought this one angel going down on David Hasselhof WHILE flushing the damn toilet for him!!! Can you believe that? What the hell am I suppossed to do with an angel lilke that? Can you tell me? Huh? Any ideas pagan boy? Now, as to what a kid should say to the others kids at school... fuck you my daddy is god... worked for jesus. I love you.
  • Dear God,

    I would like to know why you are all powerful. And why you are all knowing, and can you play blind chess?
    Thanks a bunch

    Well Deanna thank you for your thought filled questions.. I know it took a long time to come with this stuff. But okay I will play your little game. No I am not all powerful. Okay I admit it damn you…. I know, I know, I tried to make the New Kids On the Block the shit.. And I failed miserably. That is not all… but the failure of the Flock of Seagulls was another blunder of mine. Almost to the same degree as the flood, but how was I supposed to know draining my swimming pool would kill all the people save that drunk guy who flashed his kids. Oh yes I know people still download that stupid I Ran song from the net… they still suck. I tried to make in the 80`s and I failed. Boy do I suck huh? As for the all knowing, I would imagine that is out the window too. I was sure that the whole leg warmers business was one to bank on… guess I goofed there. Big hair, tights and leg warmer… everyone loved Flash Dance dammit. Blind chess huh? Funny very funny.

    Dear God,
    At times I think my wife is cheating on me, and I have found strange underwear in my house. They are not mine, and they are not my wife's either. Is she cheating on me? And if so can I divorce her and marry the girl at church in the choir I am sleeping with? Thanks a lot Big G!!

    Dear Dave,
    I have a very special answer for you! Of course she is cheating on you! And guess what? She is sleeping with Maggie as well!! Yes siree she is banging the same girl at church that you are!! Oh wow! I know you are surprised, but hey, I am god I know it all man. I can also tell you that either way it goes, you are going to hell. You see, Maggie used to be a man. Yeppers, a MAN. You are soooo going to burn you homo! You know how I hate homos right? I mean I tried to raise my boy to be a good little demi god, and next thing you know, he is sleeping with my arc-angel Michael. I had to really practice tough love there let me tell you. You know since Maggie was a man, your wife is in the clear this time. Hah. Next thing you know, you will be wearing women's clothing and working in a Nike factory in Thailand. Yes, they will call you bitch.

  • Dear God:
    Why are you so fucked up? Yours truly, Bobby.

    Well Bobby,
    The answer is simple. Because you all make me fucked up. No matter what I do, you all mess it up. I tried to be nice to you all, and what do I get? I get a world filled with people like George Bush and the Pope, not to mention the Backstreet Boys. I get people who get off killing others in my name, and then playing all traumatized and shit, because they know it is a thin excuse to pull. I get people who make up the most messed up shit, and claim I told them this, in a vision, or in a dream, but some claim I was actually sitting with them playing pool or some weird shit. I get people that blame me for everything evil in the world (okay, I take the blame for the Teletubbies). My oldest boy turns out to be gay, and wants to own his own nether realm, and is a Neil Diamond fan…… my other boy is a nut case who gets himself killed for some stupid shit….. not to mention their little brother Kevin, who we keep in a mental ward off of the planet Saturn. My failed relationship to Mary… it all adds up and there you go!

  • Jeff W.:
    Dear God:

    Simple question oh all powerfeul one, can you make a rock so big that you could not lift it? And how about changing the future? Can you do that?

    Okay Jeff,
    I will over look the smart assed nature of your question. Tell me what part of all powerful do you not understand? Of course I can make a rock so big I could not lift it. That is soooo easy. Why not ask me to do something really hard, like saving Donnie Osmond´s career? Or hey gimme a challenge at least.. like getting Squirrel laid or something. I had thought about Paulie Shore... but that was almost impossible, I mean no matter what I had tried, he just plain sucked, but he had his 15 seconds of fame. Plus, look at Martha Stewart... that should count as the impossible right? As for me chaning the future... that is easy, I mean now instead fo you making a decent living as a computer programmer, you will now spend the rest of your life as a transexual nun servicing the priests in Utah.

  • -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Dear God,

    Are you really Allah? Is your boy Jesus really Mohammed? Are these your alter ego, crime fighting identities?

    DEAR Randy

    No. Allah has nothing to do with me and my boy. We love you all, Allah has a hard on to kill. We are tender and kind, and just sit back and love you. Allah calls his followers to kill and uphold the Islamic Faith. Jesus was a pushover pansy hippie kid, Muhammed well... he was not a pussy. We do not get off on torture or killing. We do not call our followers to go off and suicide bomb anything. Okay, occasionally we may have them kill a homosexual or possibly an abortion doctor, but that is about it. Now you will have to excuse me.... Jesus, get the muslim-moblie ready at the mullah cave.. we have work to do in Iraq tonight!!!!


    From Goughmezz

    Dear Gawd,

    Is it wrong for me to masturbate?

    DEAR Goughmezz

    Watch the smartness mortal. I can really mess that ass up. No it is not wrong for you to masturbate, did you not read the most righteous article from Brother Squirrel? How to Masturbate for God? You soooo need to. Like I said before the whole masturbation thing has been blown out of normal sense by those silly silly Christians that pay me bullshit lip service. It was meant to punish that Onan guy, who did not knock up his dead brother's wife. Stupid shit.... you get another piece of ass and what would you do? Anyway, you can pull the skin off it if you want to, it is yours for my sake. Hope you have fun snappin' the rat.... and yes before you ask, the baby jesus butt plug will add to the sensations and make the orgasm that much better.....


    From David

    Dear God,

    I wanted to know how you feel about transsexuals.

    DEAR David

    Good question David, for if some can become an eunuch for my kingdom let them become one. That was my boy speaking there. Trannys are a special person to say the least. Once they do get the penis removed, they really cannot be considered men anymore, and thus by my decree are no longer homosexuals. So I guess they are okay in the long run. Some of them can be damn sexy as well. Now, though keep in mind if they sleep with another woman after they get it cut off... then they are guilty of homosexuality. Now..... since you have my answer you can go ahead and get your sex change operation, then you and your gay lover will be in the clear and not hell bound


    From Mandy

    Dear God,

    Why is it that your followers are stupid? Why do they say some crazy shit about you? Why do atheists sound more reasonable than Christians?????

    DEAR Mandy

    My followers are stupid, yes. They are stupid because they place me in their box and think of me in human terms, and the terms in the bible. They have no clue or idea of how or what I am like. I am god. Plain and simple, but they need to place me in a box to make themselves understand and feel better. They seem to think that is I am real that I love them, and that I care, then there is a meaning to life and a purpose to humanity. It does not matter what the truth is. Facts be damned in the Christian mind. Hell, even I cannot believe some of the things that the christens believe about me... far to out there. To think I would actually become a human and allow myself to be killed.... no way you cannot kill me I am god plain and simple. Jesus is my son yes, but he is a midget nephelim. I thought after my affair with Mary he would be just the like the other sons of god and be a giant, but no he turned out to be a simple carpenter with mental problems. So much for "like father like son" Now I will be the first to agree with you that the atheists sound a lot more reasonable because they can really THINK!!! And they are a lot more right than you would think.


    From The Soup

    Dear God,

    Jacob (click) seems to think it is wrong to jerk off...(click).. I thought I would ask you directly. Is it wrong? Or can I pull the skin off of it if I want to?

    DEAR Soup

    Sure..... Jacob is hung up over the sin of Onan. Stingy bastard did not want to knock up his dead brothers wife, and pulled out. That pissed me off to say the least! Here I gave him the opportunity to get some new puss, and have it all to himself, all he had to do was come in her. Ungrateful little bastards back in those days. I showed them though lol!

  • -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From A Lonely American in Germany

    Dear God,

    Why do Germans always smell bad??

    DEAR Lonely

    Good question!!! You know even when I leave little bars of soap and deo for them to use, give the luxury of running water, give them razor blades to shave those pits.... it just does not sink in. They are lucky I am not into my old methods of dealing with stupid people that anger me. I think it was bad enough I made them lose two world wars.... let them smell if that is what they want. BUT, if they pull that shit up here in heaven.. It is straight to hell for them. Just ask Adolf.... I have him cleaning my toilets in the lower Catholic quarters down by the Golden Street Market. He knows if he comes back from work smelling like those toilets.... off to hell where he can play with Lucy.


    NEW!! From The Gimp

    Dear God,

    Can I ass rape kittens for fun, and still go to heaven?


    Sure..... but I get to ass rape you once you get here, I am hung baby!


    NEW!! From Johnny,

    Dear God,

    Why do you hate Satan?

    Dear Johnny,

    I do not hate Lucifer. Not at all..... I love him very much, but he is a proud creature. And he thought himself better than me. I am God, not him. So I kicked him out. I almost kicked his buddy Mike out as well, but he did show promise, and obedience to me.


    From Susie

    Dear God,

    Why did you kill my dad?

God says:

Dear Susie, he was old, and getting on my nerves, so I called him home. Problem?


From Horny Harry

Dear God,

Can I have group sex with other men??

Dear Harry:

No. Or would you like to be stoned to death for sucking dick?


From Chuck

Dear God,

Are you pissed about what all the people have done in your name here on earth?

Dear Chuck:

No, I told them to do these things, I am GOD, nothing happens unless I say so... oh yeah, by the way....that sin you wanted forgiven? Forget it I will punish your mom for it instead. Thanks for the worship!!!


From Seraph:

Dear God,

I listen to Marilyn Manson. Am I going to Hell?

Dear Seraph:

Yes. Unless you kiss my ass and call me daddy!




From The Soup

Dear God,

Why does the Squirrel rule so damn much?

Dear Soup,

Nice name, but I know your real name, and I do not blame you, if I was called Marion I would name myself after a watery nasty ass food as well. But, on to your question: Squirrel rules because I make it possible from him to rule. Through my power alone he rules. And I draw people to the Squirrel to glorify me. Forget my kid, he was a loser, and could never really get the GOD business down. All he wanted to be was a super hero with his buddy Judas.


From Daddy Kill Gore

Dear God,

Why does the Squirrel rock so damn hard??


Because I allow him this ability. Fuck it if he thinks I do not exist. I think he rocks as well. Plus this is a great way for every one to read how utterly cool I am, and get all that Christianity shit out of the way. I am cool, and I rock as much as the Squirrel. WHAT? HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT!!! You are going to hell.


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