Ask God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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We at Squirrel´s Island are not responsible for the
answers given by god, as he is god, and we are not!!
- From Casey
Uhh, Hello God?
I have a problem where I really, really like to watch SheMale
movies while desexing Barbie Dolls. I now it's wrong but,
I don't know what to do. Wait a minute. Barbie Dolls don't
have pussies or even assholes! Oh God what have I been doing
with my whole meager life. I must confess God that I have
been having secret thoughts about The Goat. You know who I
mean God but, I won't utter His blasphemous name here on this
sacred, sacred place. I trust you God and I know you love
me because you told me at the bus stop last week. If I meet
any non believing Goat-lovers, should I kill them on the spot
or should I tell you first? Thank you God.
- Well now Casey, interesting questions you have for
me this time around. There is nothing wrong with watching
Shemale porn. Shemales are the only way to get around my no
homosexual sex thing. Since they are both a man and a woman,
you get outta hot water. Plain and simple. Gabriel is a trannie,
and what a hot little angel he is! Now as for the Barbie dolls...
you sick bastard you know I HATE idolatry. Period. I will
have to send you to hell for this. And since you lust after
the Goat, you shall spend all eternity with your lover the
Goat. Are you happy now? You will never know the love of Gabriel
and the other trannie angels. IF you want to appease your
God then you will not kill the goat-lovers, but fornicate
with them.
Yours truely....God
- From Ronald Williams
Riverdale, MD
1) Why does God need to be worshiped? Can He survive without
our worship? If so, what does it matter then?
Well Ronald, good question. And to answer this one,
I will tell you a little secret. I don't need to be worshipped
actually. I get off on it yes, but I do not need it. You worship
me because I damn well say so. If not I get to cook your little
ass for all eternity. I can survive without worship.. I am
god dammit. Shit, Micheal Jackson has survived all this time
without a single... or his real skin color... but I am getting
off track here Ron.... and Ron, I have not forgotten about
the thing you had with the eskimo transvestite. I am god....
what matters is you stroke my ego, or I send you to hell.
Thanks for writing in. I love you.- From MrWitch
Hello, lack of a better term; i.e. god. Was it you, or you’re
alter ego (Satan), who came up with the idea of public bathroom
attendant? Here’s someone who spends a work day, sitting in
a bathroom, in a suit and tie, waiting on you. Turning on
the water, pouring soap in your hands, offering a choice of
colognes. Is this like a purgatory? One flush away, from the
bowels of hell? Last chance to repent, don’t piss it away?
And talk about the sins of the father? Woe, to the son of
a bathroom attendant, who has to stand before his class, and
say what his father does for a living.
Well now Marion ( thought I would not know a guy is
named Marion? I am god after all...) being an attendant in
a restroom is nothing to laugh at. I make all my angels do
it for about 300 years.. and made my son do it for about 400,
so he would learn to make others more comfy. I mean, come
on, someone has to clean the damn pissers up. The water doe
not turn itself on... those towels are not magical you know.
I know there are many many people who would kill to be a bathroom
attendant... like Pee Wee Herman, and Goerge Micheal for example.
The attendant job is also a way of finding out who is gay,
and who is not. If one of my angels go and puff the man chicken,
I know that I have to kick them out of my heaven and send
them to my other son, Kip. Hell I cought this one angel going
down on David Hasselhof WHILE flushing the damn toilet for
him!!! Can you believe that? What the hell am I suppossed
to do with an angel lilke that? Can you tell me? Huh? Any
ideas pagan boy? Now, as to what a kid should say to the others
kids at school... fuck you my daddy is god... worked for jesus.
I love you.
- Dear God,
I would like to know why you are all powerful. And why
you are all knowing, and can you play blind chess?
Thanks a bunch
Deanna.
Well Deanna thank you for your thought filled questions..
I know it took a long time to come with this stuff. But
okay I will play your little game. No I am not all powerful.
Okay I admit it damn you…. I know, I know, I tried to make
the New Kids On the Block the shit.. And I failed miserably.
That is not all… but the failure of the Flock of Seagulls
was another blunder of mine. Almost to the same degree as
the flood, but how was I supposed to know draining my swimming
pool would kill all the people save that drunk guy who flashed
his kids. Oh yes I know people still download that stupid
I Ran song from the net… they still suck. I tried to make
in the 80`s and I failed. Boy do I suck huh? As for the
all knowing, I would imagine that is out the window too.
I was sure that the whole leg warmers business was one to
bank on… guess I goofed there. Big hair, tights and leg
warmer… everyone loved Flash Dance dammit. Blind chess huh?
Funny very funny.
Dear God,
At times I think my wife is cheating on me, and I have found
strange underwear in my house. They are not mine, and they
are not my wife's either. Is she cheating on me? And if
so can I divorce her and marry the girl at church in the
choir I am sleeping with? Thanks a lot Big G!!
Dave
Dear Dave,
I have a very special answer for you! Of course she is cheating
on you! And guess what? She is sleeping with Maggie as well!!
Yes siree she is banging the same girl at church that you
are!! Oh wow! I know you are surprised, but hey, I am god
I know it all man. I can also tell you that either way it
goes, you are going to hell. You see, Maggie used to be
a man. Yeppers, a MAN. You are soooo going to burn you homo!
You know how I hate homos right? I mean I tried to raise
my boy to be a good little demi god, and next thing you
know, he is sleeping with my arc-angel Michael. I had to
really practice tough love there let me tell you. You know
since Maggie was a man, your wife is in the clear this time.
Hah. Next thing you know, you will be wearing women's clothing
and working in a Nike factory in Thailand. Yes, they will
call you bitch.
-
Dear God:
Why are you so fucked up? Yours truly, Bobby.
Well Bobby,
The answer is simple. Because you all make me fucked up.
No matter what I do, you all mess it up. I tried to be nice
to you all, and what do I get? I get a world filled with
people like George Bush and the Pope, not to mention the
Backstreet Boys. I get people who get off killing others
in my name, and then playing all traumatized and shit, because
they know it is a thin excuse to pull. I get people who
make up the most messed up shit, and claim I told them this,
in a vision, or in a dream, but some claim I was actually
sitting with them playing pool or some weird shit. I get
people that blame me for everything evil in the world (okay,
I take the blame for the Teletubbies). My oldest boy turns
out to be gay, and wants to own his own nether realm, and
is a Neil Diamond fan…… my other boy is a nut case who gets
himself killed for some stupid shit….. not to mention their
little brother Kevin, who we keep in a mental ward off of
the planet Saturn. My failed relationship to Mary… it all
adds up and there you go!
-
Jeff W.:
Dear God:
Simple question oh all powerfeul one, can you make a rock
so big that you could not lift it? And how about changing
the future? Can you do that?
Okay Jeff,
I will over look the smart assed nature of your question.
Tell me what part of all powerful do you not understand?
Of course I can make a rock so big I could not lift it.
That is soooo easy. Why not ask me to do something really
hard, like saving Donnie Osmond´s career? Or hey gimme
a challenge at least.. like getting Squirrel laid or something.
I had thought about Paulie Shore... but that was almost
impossible, I mean no matter what I had tried, he just plain
sucked, but he had his 15 seconds of fame. Plus, look at
Martha Stewart... that should count as the impossible right?
As for me chaning the future... that is easy, I mean now
instead fo you making a decent living as a computer programmer,
you will now spend the rest of your life as a transexual
nun servicing the priests in Utah.
-
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Randy
Dear God,
Are you really Allah? Is your boy Jesus really Mohammed?
Are these your alter ego, crime fighting identities?
DEAR Randy
No. Allah has nothing to do with me and my boy. We love
you all, Allah has a hard on to kill. We are tender and
kind, and just sit back and love you. Allah calls his followers
to kill and uphold the Islamic Faith. Jesus was a pushover
pansy hippie kid, Muhammed well... he was not a pussy. We
do not get off on torture or killing. We do not call our
followers to go off and suicide bomb anything. Okay, occasionally
we may have them kill a homosexual or possibly an abortion
doctor, but that is about it. Now you will have to excuse
me.... Jesus, get the muslim-moblie ready at the mullah
cave.. we have work to do in Iraq tonight!!!!
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From Goughmezz
Dear Gawd,
Is it wrong for me to masturbate?
DEAR Goughmezz
Watch the smartness mortal. I can really mess that ass
up. No it is not wrong for you to masturbate, did you not
read the most righteous article from Brother Squirrel? How
to Masturbate for God? You soooo need to. Like I said
before the whole masturbation thing has been blown out of
normal sense by those silly silly Christians that pay me
bullshit lip service. It was meant to punish that Onan guy,
who did not knock up his dead brother's wife. Stupid shit....
you get another piece of ass and what would you do? Anyway,
you can pull the skin off it if you want to, it is yours
for my sake. Hope you have fun snappin' the rat.... and
yes before you ask, the baby
jesus butt plug will add to the sensations and make
the orgasm that much better.....
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From David
Dear God,
I wanted to know how you feel about transsexuals.
DEAR David
Good question David, for if some can become an eunuch
for my kingdom let them become one. That was my boy speaking
there. Trannys are a special person to say the least. Once
they do get the penis removed, they really cannot be considered
men anymore, and thus by my decree are no longer homosexuals.
So I guess they are okay in the long run. Some of them can
be damn sexy as well. Now, though keep in mind if they sleep
with another woman after they get it cut off... then they
are guilty of homosexuality. Now..... since you have my
answer you can go ahead and get your sex change operation,
then you and your gay lover will be in the clear and not
hell bound
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From Mandy
Dear God,
Why is it that your followers are stupid? Why do they say
some crazy shit about you? Why do atheists sound more reasonable
than Christians?????
DEAR Mandy
My followers are stupid, yes. They are stupid because
they place me in their box and think of me in human terms,
and the terms in the bible. They have no clue or idea of
how or what I am like. I am god. Plain and simple, but they
need to place me in a box to make themselves understand
and feel better. They seem to think that is I am real that
I love them, and that I care, then there is a meaning to
life and a purpose to humanity. It does not matter what
the truth is. Facts be damned in the Christian mind. Hell,
even I cannot believe some of the things that the christens
believe about me... far to out there. To think I would actually
become a human and allow myself to be killed.... no way
you cannot kill me I am god plain and simple. Jesus is my
son yes, but he is a midget nephelim. I thought after my
affair with Mary he would be just the like the other sons
of god and be a giant, but no he turned out to be a simple
carpenter with mental problems. So much for "like father
like son" Now I will be the first to agree with you
that the atheists sound a lot more reasonable because they
can really THINK!!! And they are a lot more right than you
would think.
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From The Soup
Dear God,
Jacob
(click) seems to think it is wrong to jerk
off...(click).. I thought I would ask you directly.
Is it wrong? Or can I pull the skin off of it if I want
to?
DEAR Soup
Sure..... Jacob is hung up over the sin of Onan. Stingy
bastard did not want to knock up his dead brothers wife,
and pulled out. That pissed me off to say the least! Here
I gave him the opportunity to get some new puss, and have
it all to himself, all he had to do was come in her. Ungrateful
little bastards back in those days. I showed them though
lol!
-
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From A Lonely American in Germany
Dear God,
Why do Germans always smell bad??
DEAR Lonely
Good question!!! You know even when I leave little bars
of soap and deo for them to use, give the luxury of running
water, give them razor blades to shave those pits.... it
just does not sink in. They are lucky I am not into my old
methods of dealing with stupid people that anger me. I think
it was bad enough I made them lose two world wars.... let
them smell if that is what they want. BUT, if they pull
that shit up here in heaven.. It is straight to hell for
them. Just ask Adolf.... I have him cleaning my toilets
in the lower Catholic quarters down by the Golden Street
Market. He knows if he comes back from work smelling like
those toilets.... off to hell where he can play with Lucy.
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NEW!! From The Gimp
Dear God,
Can I ass rape kittens for fun, and still go to heaven?
DEAR GIMP
Sure..... but I get to ass rape you once you get here,
I am hung baby!
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NEW!! From Johnny,
Dear God,
Why do you hate Satan?
Dear Johnny,
I do not hate Lucifer. Not at all..... I love him very
much, but he is a proud creature. And he thought himself
better than me. I am God, not him. So I kicked him out.
I almost kicked his buddy Mike out as well, but he did show
promise, and obedience to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Susie
Dear God,
Why did you kill my dad?
God says:
Dear Susie, he was old, and getting on my nerves, so I
called him home. Problem?
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From Horny Harry
Dear God,
Can I have group sex with other men??
Dear Harry:
No. Or would you like to be stoned to death for sucking
dick?
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From Chuck
Dear God,
Are you pissed about what all the people have done in your
name here on earth?
Dear Chuck:
No, I told them to do these things, I am GOD, nothing happens
unless I say so... oh yeah, by the way....that sin you wanted
forgiven? Forget it I will punish your mom for it instead. Thanks
for the worship!!!
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From Seraph:
Dear God,
I listen to Marilyn Manson. Am I going to Hell?
Dear Seraph:
Yes. Unless you kiss my ass and call me daddy!
Yours,
GOD
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From The Soup
Dear God,
Why does the Squirrel rule so damn much?
Dear Soup,
Nice name, but I know your real name, and I do not blame
you, if I was called Marion I would name myself after a watery
nasty ass food as well. But, on to your question: Squirrel rules
because I make it possible from him to rule. Through my power
alone he rules. And I draw people to the Squirrel to glorify
me. Forget my kid, he was a loser, and could never really get
the GOD business down. All he wanted to be was a super hero
with his buddy Judas.
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From Daddy Kill Gore
Dear God,
Why does the Squirrel rock so damn hard??
DEAR DADDY
Because I allow him this ability. Fuck it if he thinks I
do not exist. I think he rocks as well. Plus this is a great
way for every one to read how utterly cool I am, and get all
that Christianity shit out of the way. I am cool, and I rock
as much as the Squirrel. WHAT? HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT!!! You
are going to hell.
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