All of us want something. A new car, perhaps, or a new house. Maybe we're hungry, and could just use a giant bowl of noodles.

Think about it, hard. There's something you want. Maybe it's fame. A loving relationship. The hot little red head down at the video store. Or a new love toy for the bedroom.

It's natural to want things. It's only human.

Here in Hell, we specialize in making dreams come true. Wish your enemies were dead? Easy. Need to lose a few extra pounds? No problem.

In fact, anything you want can be yours for the super cheap price of your soul. Think about it. Your every desire fulfilled, in exchange for something that's invisible, something you don't even use! And you'll still retain the partial use of your body and mind.

Your benefits start the moment we make the pact. You'll immediately enjoy a pleasantly soothing paranoia, depression and insecurity the rest of your torment-filled years. It's life as only Hell could make it. And what a life it would be!!

Then you'll get to spend eternity in the toasty fires of Hades, in one of our ritzy neighborhoods, dine with Gahndi, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and a multitude of other cool people who have done the same as you! Picnic by the Mountain of Lost Souls , plunge into the calming waters of the Lake of Fire, and go exploring in the Labyrinth of Hopelessness. Not to mention the season passes to our wonderful Theme Park "Earth on Hell". And you'll get the tan of your life on the acrid shores of River Styx.

And if you act now, we'll throw in a free cell phone!! You can proudly announce to the world that your soul is claimed by our Lord Satan with 20 hours of free calls!

Hell. You'll think you've died and gone to Heaven!
In correspondence with Squirrels Island, official endorser of the "Hell, not just for bad people anymore" vacation park.